The Purpose of Tools

The Purpose of Tools

by

Travis Holmes

Characters:

Henry Walters

Wanda Walters

Claire Walters

Thomas

James

Jared

Brian

Miss Tina

Ralzian

Roger Boston

Ron Hordell

Ralzian, Roger Boston, and Ron Hordell must all be played by the same actor, or by the same sock puppet, or by three identical sock puppets, or by identical triplets.    

SCENE I

Henry, his wife Wanda, and his daughter Claire stand in a familial portrait pose with Henry having his arms around the both of them.  Henry and Wanda smile big.

HENRY

Okay, everybody, smile.  

WANDA

Claire!  You're not smiling!

HENRY

Just say cheese everybody.  They tell you to say cheese because it makes you smile nice and big.  

HENRY & WANDA

CHEEEEEESE!

Camera takes the picture.

CLAIRE

Are we done now?

WANDA

No we have to take it again.  You weren't smiling.  

HENRY

Smile for the camera everybody.  Gosh, this picture is gonna look great on my desk.  

WANDA

Smile Claire!  You have plenty to be thankful for.

CLAIRE

Do I now?  

WANDA

Of course you do.  

HENRY

Everybody say cheese!

HENRY & WANDA

CHEEEEEESE!

Camera takes the picture.

HENRY

What a perfect picture.  Our beautiful family with our beautiful house in the background.  Maybe we should try to get the Beemer in there too.  

WANDA

Henry no, that's so tacky.

CLAIRE

How many more do we have to take?

WANDA

We'll be done just as soon as you smile.

CLAIRE

I was smiling.

WANDA

I didn't hear you say cheese.

CLAIRE

CHEEEEEESE!

Camera takes a picture.

WANDA

Oh no, I think I was blinking.

HENRY

That's fine, we're paying this guy by the hour.

CLAIRE

I'm not doing this for an hour.  

WANDA

You will stay and take pictures for as long as we tell you to, young lady.

CLAIRE

Sure thing old lady.  

WANDA

Oh that's it, you and I are having a serious talk when we're done here, do you understand me?

HENRY

Let's just get the picture taken, okay?   Everybody, say cheese!

HENRY & WANDA & CLAIRE

CHEEEEEESE!

Camera takes a picture.

HENRY

Perfect!  

CLAIRE

Thank dog.

WANDA

Thank who?  

HENRY

I can't wait to show this to Thomas!

THOMAS

Walters!

HENRY

Gotta run!

Henry scurries over to Thomas like an eager little terrier.  Wanda and Claire exit.

HENRY(cont.)

'Morning Thomas!

THOMAS

Henry my man.  

HENRY

I finally got those family portraits taken like you suggested.

THOMAS

Good man.  Say, how's that gorgeous wife of yours?

HENRY

Great!  Never better!

THOMAS

Fantastic!  Now then, what's this I hear about the new product line being sent back to scoping?

HENRY

No, it's scoped.  It's ready for development.

THOMAS

I hear it's been sent back to scoping.

HENRY

Who said that?

THOMAS

Harliss said that.

HENRY

Harliss?!  

THOMAS

Henry, I don't have to tell you, we can't afford to send the whole thing back to scoping.

HENRY

No sir, it's scoped.  We're still on for the October production date.  

THOMAS

Well you'd better get your facts straight with Harliss.  Digiderm is working on this exact same product line.  

HENRY

Yes sir, I'll talk to Harliss and get this whole thing straightened out.

THOMAS

Quality!  I'll be in Bermuda until Monday, but you know how to reach me.  

HENRY

Will do sir.  I'll get this whole thing straightened out.  I have only the best interests of the company at heart.

THOMAS

I know you do Henry.  Have that portrait on my desk when I get back.  

Exits.

HENRY

Yes sir!  Thank you sir!  

Henry's cell phone rings.  He answers.  It's Wanda, who is now onstage.  Somewhere during this conversation, Henry and Wanda hang up their cellphones and just talk face to face like in olden times.  

HENRY(cont.)

Henry Walters speaking.

WANDA

Wanda Walters speaking.  Your daughter's locked herself in her room and won't come out.  

HENRY

Okay.

WANDA

You are coming home tonight, I assume.  You didn't take your overnight bag with you.

HENRY

No, I'll be home as soon as I can.

WANDA

Henry, I'm worried.

HENRY

About what?

WANDA

About Claire.  

HENRY

Why?

WANDA

She just doesn't seem herself these days.

Claire brushes past Wanda.  Some of her angst drips on the tile.

CLAIRE

If you're referring to me, I'm fine.

WANDA

to Claire

Of course I'm not referring to you.  Don't flatter yourself.

to Henry

She's so moody and difficult.

HENRY

Maybe we should take her to a doctor.

WANDA

For what?

HENRY

I don't know, to make her, you know, happier.  Like he did for you.  

WANDA

Do you think we're good parents?  

HENRY

Of course we are.   Don't be...hey kiddo!

Claire brushes past her parents.

CLAIRE

I'll be in my room if there's a fire.

Locks herself in her room.

WANDA

You see what I'm talking about?

HENRY

If there's a fire?  What does that mean?  She's not playing with matches in there, is she?  

WANDA

Now she'll sit in there and listen to that mopey music of hers for hours.  

HENRY

This is just unheard of.  A teenage gir locking herself in her room.

WANDA

I think we should talk to her.  Both of us.  Like parents.    

HENRY

Couldn't we just-

WANDA

Claire!  

HENRY

--take her to a shrink.  

Claire enters.

CLAIRE

What?

WANDA

Sit down Claire.  We'd like to talk to you.

CLAIRE

About what?

WANDA

Would you just sit please?

HENRY

We just wanna talk to you for a minute.

Claire sits in a huff, gives them the “What do you want?!” look.

WANDA

Claire, your behavior as of late has been, well-

HENRY

We're just worried about you sweetie.

WANDA

You've been a bit--

HENRY

We just want you to be happy sweetheart.

WANDA

Could you just tell us what's wrong?

HENRY

Whatever it is, I know we can fix it for you.  Lickety-split.  

WANDA

Is school going okay?  

HENRY

That's one of the best schools in the state, you know.

WANDA

You're in honors classes.  

HENRY

That's gonna help get you into a good school.  Land a good job like your dad.  

CLAIRE

School's fine.

WANDA

Is this about a boy?  It is, isn't it?  

CLAIRE

No mom.

HENRY

I hope he's not like that loser she used to hang out with.  What was his name?  Jake?

CLAIRE

I'm not-

WANDA

Oh right!  Odd looking boy.  Always dressed in black?    Reminded me of one of those Columbine kids.  

CLAIRE

I don't have a crush!

WANDA

Okay, then what is it?  For Christ's sakes Claire, what's your problem?

CLAIRE

Well if you'd-

HENRY

I don't think we're getting through to her.  

WANDA

I have an idea.

Reaches into her purse, pulls out some prescription pill bottles

Now this is only temporary until we can get you a prescription of your own.  

CLAIRE

What's that?

HENRY

Great idea dear.  I told you buying in bulk would pay off!

WANDA

These are for your depression.  

CLAIRE

But I'm not-

WANDA

And these are for your social disorder.

CLAIRE

Social disorder?

HENRY

Claire, we know you don't have any friends.  That's a pretty strong indicator that something's wrong.

WANDA

With you.  But these will take care of it.

HENRY

Lickety-split, just like I said.

WANDA

I don't have any birth control in here, but we should definitely get her on that too.

CLAIRE

I don't need birth control.

WANDA

But sweetie, it's good for your complexion.

HENRY

And I sure as hell don't wanna be forking out for an abortion.

CLAIRE

Oh my god!

WANDA

It's just to help you sweetie.  

HENRY

Claire, I'm right behind your mother on this one.  Haven't you noticed the difference they've made in her?

WANDA

I'm really so much happier now.  Really, I am.  

HENRY

You really are.

CLAIRE

I swear to god, I'm getting out of here as soon as I possibly can.  I hate you both!

Runs into her room.

HENRY

Well, that was unpleasant.  Ah well.

WANDA

Henry, are you sure we're good parents?

HENRY

Of course we are dear.  We're good people.  We deserve to be happy.  

WANDA

Of course we deserve it.  We're good people.  Of course we do.  

SCENE II

Saturday morning.  James is sitting in his room reading his Bible (Judges 9)

JAMES

And Abimelech the son of Jerubbaal went to Shechem unto his mother's brethren, and communed with them, and with all the family of the house of his mother's father, saying, speak, I pray you, in the ears of all the men of Shechem, whether is better for you, either that all the sons of Jerubbaal, which are threescore and ten persons, reign over you, or that one reign over you?  Remember also that I am you bone and your flesh.  Huh.

Flips pages to somewhere else and reads more (Solomon 1)

JAMES(cont.)

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for thy love is better than wine.  Because of the savour of their good ointments the name is as ointment poured forth, therfore do the virgins love thee.  Draw me, we will run after thee, the king hath brought me into his chambers.  We will be glad and rejoice in thee, we will remember thy love more than wine.  The upright love thee.  I am black but comely-

Slams book shut.  He squeezes his eyes shut, tight with concentration, mumbling to himself, trying to kill a thought before it manifests itself in his mind.  He fails.

JAMES(cont.)

Dear Heavenly Father, I'm sorry I don't always know what the Bible is talking about, but I thank you for giving it to us, even though I sometimes have no idea what it's talking about.  I'm sorry.  I didn't go to college, so I don't always understand things, but I'm glad you're letting me go to heaven anyways.  Please help me to do a good job sharing my faith with all those lost souls today.  Forgive me for being a sinner.  I didn't mean to, I was just born that way.  I'm sorry.  In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.  

He stands up.  He does some jumping jacks, takes some deep breaths, tries to psyche himself up.  He practices his approach.

JAMES(cont.)

Hi.  My name is James.  Would you like to go to church with me?  Okay, uh....Hi, I'm James.  How are you?  Good, listen, let me tell you about this church that I go to....  Say, can I ask you a question?  Do you believe in God?  Because I do, and--No!  Okay....Hi!  Can I help you carry that?  No it's okay, I don't mind.  It looks heavy.  So what's your name?  Well it's nice to meet you Mildred.  My name's James.  Yes, it is a beautiful day.  A beautiful glorious god-given day.  Why yes, I do believe in god.  Why yes, as a matter of fact I do go to church.  It's really great.  You should come sometime.  Really?  You would?  Great!  Well, I'll see you Sunday!  Goodbye!  

James is psyched up as if he was talking to an actual person.  He waves goodbye to his invisible friend, grabs his Bible, and takes to the streets.  

SCENE III

Breakfast time at the Walters home.  Henry is walking around talking on his hands-free cell.  Wanda, already dressed and made-up immaculately, is getting the table set.  

HENRY

Listen Harliss, the thing you don't seem to realize is that we have a deadline.  We send the project back to scoping, we're not gonna make the deadline and Digiderm's gonna blow us out of the water.  It's that simple....Well I don't care what Maliziano said, we're ready to ramp this thing up.  I've got the metrics right here to prove it.

Claire enters.  She seems to be in a bit of a daze.

WANDA

Good morning sunshine.  Time for breakfast.  Feeling better today?  

CLAIRE

Great.

WANDA

Banana pancakes, my baby's favorite.

CLAIRE

Holding up pills next to her plate.

What's this?  

WANDA

Oh that?  That's birth control.

CLAIRE

What?  

HENRY

Look Harliss, if there's bugs, we'll catch 'em in QA.

WANDA

And those are your diet pills.  

CLAIRE

What, now I'm fat?    

WANDA

Well, birth control tends to have a bloating effect.  Think of it as a counteractive measure.   

HENRY

Look Harliss, I talked to Thomas right before he left town.  He and I are on the same page with this thing.  

WANDA

Remember?  We talked about this.   

CLAIRE

And I said no, remember?

WANDA

Now what kind of teenager just says “no?”  That's ridiculous.    

CLAIRE

Well I'm not taking them.  

WANDA

I bet all the other girls at school your age are on birth control.  What happens when you don't fit in and they all laugh at you, hmmm?  

HENRY

Well you can't do that.  I've got people coming in this weekend....The hell you are!  Harliss!?  

Hangs up.

That bastard hung up on me.

WANDA

Henry, tell your daughter to take her birth control.

HENRY

Do what your mother says Claire.  

CLAIRE

Gets up to leave.  

Thanks for breakfast.

WANDA

Look, do you want a Lincoln Navigator or not?

CLAIRE

What?  

WANDA

Well it was going to be a surprise for your birthday, but you can forget it now young lady.  Girls who don't take their birth control don't get SUV's.  

CLAIRE

Fine.  I hate SUV's.

WANDA

What?  You-?  How did you get so weird?  Henry, how did our daughter get so weird?

HENRY

Where's my watch?  

WANDA

Where are you going?   

HENRY

Crisis at the office.

WANDA

Should I wrap up your breakfast?  

HENRY

Gotta go.  Call you later.

Exits.

WANDA

Henry?

CLAIRE

I'm going to my room.  

Starts to exit.

WANDA

Young lady, you get back here.

CLAIRE

What?

WANDA

Since when don't you like SUV's?

CLAIRE

Since-

WANDA

I mean really, what's the matter with you?  You're a complete stranger to me, I don't even know you.  Hell, I don't even know anyone like you.

CLAIRE

Well I am just your daughter.  

WANDA

Claire, why can't you just be happy?  

CLAIRE

I'm great mom.  

WANDA

Oh, sweetie, I don't know.  Just take the pills and that Navigator's yours.  The friends will come flocking, you'll see.

CLAIRE

Really?  Then I'll be happy?  

WANDA

Okay.  Sure.  Be a smart-ass about it, but I'm telling you, it's...you know...

CLAIRE

Yes?

WANDA

I mean, look at the two of us for example.  I'm radiating happiness.  I'm falling all over myself I'm so damn full of joy.  But you, you're all gloom and doom, boo-hoo-hooing yourself to death.  

CLAIRE

You're happy because the pills you took this morning have set off a series of chemical reactions in your nervous system.  

WANDA

Well I'm just old-fashioned I guess.

CLAIRE

Mom, did you ever stop to think that maybe there was more to life than this?  

WANDA

Than what?

CLAIRE

This?  The suburbs?  

WANDA

Well, sure.  But that's not stuff you need to be worried about at your age.  Here.

Hands her the pills and a glass of liquid in something of a forceful manner.

CLAIRE

No.

WANDA

Take the pills.

CLAIRE

No!

WANDA

If you don't take them now, you'll have to wait another whole month before you can start again, and who knows what could happen between now and then.  

CLAIRE

Are you done?  

WANDA

Are you going to take the pills?  

CLAIRE

No.

WANDA

No?

CLAIRE

No.  

WANDA

Take the pills.

CLAIRE

No.

WANDA

Take them!

CLAIRE

No!

WANDA

Fine!  Go to your room!  

CLAIRE

Thank you!

Exits.

WANDA

Go cry yourself into a stupor!  See if I care!  But I don't wanna hear any of that mopey music blaring!  Just because you're suicidal doesn't mean the rest of us have to be!

Wanda looks around.  Two uneaten breakfasts.  She collects herself and sits down to eat.  Almost immediately, she gets back up, retrieves a bottle of pills, and chases a couple down with coffee.  She sits back down to eat.  She tosses the fork down onto the plate, close to tears.  She collects herself, takes out her compact and fixes her make-up.  She talks to her reflection.

WANDA

Hey there gorgeous.  Wow, look at you.  You mean to tell me that body has given birth?  Why yes it has, to an ungrateful little troll no less.  Oh you poor thing.  So unappreciated.  You should reward yourself.  You should go shopping.  You should buy yourself something.  Lots of things.  That will make you feel better.  Because if noone else is going to reward you, you should reward yourself.  

Music plays.  Wanda dances herself to the mall.

SCENE IV

The mall.  Wanda is performing a grotesque dance of joy as she shops, filling bags with items of all sorts, relishing in how beautiful and extravaganet and expensive it all is.  James enters.  He is trying to share his faith with people as they pass by him.  He is not doing very well.  

JAMES

Feel free to take a few liberties with this part

Hi, there....Hi....Hello....Hi my name is James and I'd like to tell you about....Hello there, what's your name?...Uh, excuse me.  Hi, my name is James and I go to this really great church with lots of nice people and the Bible and....Okay then.  Hello, would you like to go to church with me?...Okay then....God bless you....Hello....Hi there....Uh, excuse me sir.  Yes, did you know God loves you?  Okay then.  Thank you sir.

He sits down, discouraged.

JAMES(cont.)

Lord, I can't do this.  I don't have it in me.  How do I help people to see that they're going to hell?  

Wanda walks past him.  They don't notice each other, as Wanda is busy perusing an item for purchase and James is busy praying.

JAMES(cont.)

Just tell me what to do, God.  Just give me a sign.  Just show me what to do.

Wanda drops one of her shopping bags, her brand new lingerie spills out.  She bursts into tears.   James has his damn sign.  God goes back to watching “Jeopardy.”

JAMES(cont.)

Uh, ma'am, you need any help?  

WANDA

No.  Leave it.  I don't need it.  

JAMES

Stooping to pick it up.  

Are you sure?  You got some real nice stuff here.

WANDA

No.  Leave it.  I SAID LEAVE IT!

JAMES

Okay.  Are you allright?

WANDA

I'm fine.  My medication's just gone stale, that's all.

JAMES

Oh.

WANDA

My husband doesn't believe it goes stale.  He says it's just a scam by the pharmaceutical industry to keep you from buying drugs in bulk, but I just took my pills this morning and here it is barely noon and I'm crying at the mall so there's obviously something horribly wrong with my prescription.  Oh, and my daughter told me she hated me.  

JAMES

Listen, uh, would you like to go to church with me?

WANDA

Excuse me?

JAMES

I, well, you see, I go to this church, and I was wondering if you'd be interested in coming maybe one Sunday.  This Sunday even.

WANDA

That's tomorrow.

JAMES

Oh yeah.  Tomorrow.  Sunday.

WANDA

You're inviting me to church?  

JAMES

Yeah, sure.

WANDA

Are you trying to seduce me?  

JAMES

No no!  Nothing like that!  No!  I'm not even like that.  

WANDA

Like what?  

JAMES

Like, uuh, like-

WANDA

Heterosexual?  

JAMES

No!  I mean, uh.....would you like to go to church with me?  

WANDA

What kind of church?

JAMES

Oh, you know, lots of nice people.  You'll like it, I promise.  

WANDA

What's it called?  

JAMES

The Body of Christ.   

WANDA

The Body of Christ?

JAMES

The Body of Christ.

WANDA

Maybe this is what my daughter was talking about.  All I wanted to do was get her on the pill.  For her complexion, you know, it's perfectly natural.  And then she started talking about life and, something or other, I don't remember exactly.  I mean, what's a teenage girl doing rambling on about life?  What's she got to be so upset about?    

JAMES

I don't know.  

WANDA

James is some sort of oddity to her

You seem like a happy person.

JAMES

Uh, well-

WANDA

A genuinely happy person.

JAMES

Well I guess I am, sorta-

WANDA

Nice, too.  

JAMES

I suppose so.  

WANDA

And you're asking me, a total stranger, a woman you've never met before who you're not trying to seduce, if I'd like to go to church with you?    

JAMES

Yes ma'am!    

WANDA

That's cute.  

JAMES

So you think you'd like to come?  

WANDA

Care to help me pick out a new dress?

She laughs, James follows along.  

JAMES

Uh, sure!  Always glad to help.  

WANDA

Indicating her dropped bag.  

Could you get that for me?  

JAMES

Yes ma'am.

WANDA

Exiting.

Now then, what to wear, what to wear?  

James follows after her, carrying her bag.  

SCENE V

A large podium with an odd starburst design on the front of it.  Speaking from this podium is the Prophet Ralzian, ambassador of the colony Earth to the Interdimensional Parliament based on the planet Bil in the Dramadus Galaxy.  He has wild eyes and unkempt hair, and wears a tunic adorned with the same design as on the podium.  

RALZIAN

Fellow Bilianites!  The hour of our homecoming draws near!  As ambassador of the Earth to the Interdimensional Parliament, I have received joyous and wondrous news from our leaders on our home planet, Bil.  In a short time, a Bilianite ship will land here on the Earth to take us to our celestial home in the Dramadus Galaxy where we will live in peace and joy that no Earth-bound creature could ever possibly imagine.  Prepare yourselves my brethren!  The planet Bil awaits!  

SCENE VI

Claire's bedroom.  Claire is doing something stupid like drawing a picture of a unicorn with a spear run throught it or writing a fucking poem about a girl in colonial America getting her first period while she's lost in the woods in the coldest part of the winter and she's bleeding all over the winter snow and I guess it means something.  Jared sneaks up quietly behind her, except he's wearing a hood that covers his face, so we don't know it's Jared.  He grabs her, she screams, there's a scuffle.  They end up on the floor.  Jared is laughing.  When Claire sees his face, she is completely shocked.    

CLAIRE

What are you doing here?

JARED

Front door was open.  

CLAIRE

You motherfucker!  

She hits him repeatedly.  

JARED

What?  Ow!

CLAIRE

You scared the shit out of me!  

JARED

You're awake now right?

CLAIRE

Fuck you!  

She pushes him away from her as hard as she can.  She is on the verge of tears, the real angry kind like little fat kids get.  

JARED

I missed you.

CLAIRE

You're an asshole.  You couldn't call me?  

JARED

I've been kinda out of pocket lately.  

CLAIRE

I thought I was never going to see you again.  I thought maybe you were dead.  

JARED

I've just been all over you know?  

CLAIRE

Where?

JARED

Just all over.  Hitchhiking, you know?  I just had to do my own thing for a while.  I thought about you a lot.  

CLAIRE

What the hell ever.  After you ran away, I thought I was gonna kill myself.

JARED

It's cool you didn't.

CLAIRE

The only thing that stopped me was that I thought you might not find out about it.  

JARED

That's kinda sweet.  

CLAIRE

You just disappeared.  You couldn't have left a note?  

JARED

I'm sorry.  

CLAIRE

Do your parents know you're back?  

JARED

Oh hell no.  

CLAIRE

Where are you gonna stay?

JARED

Some friends of mine have a farm just outside of town.  You should come with me.  

Lights rise on the downstairs of the house.  Wanda enters.  She has a pleased look on her face and several shopping bags.  She puts everything down and goes upstairs.

CLAIRE

To a farm?  

JARED

Yeah.  Tonight.  What's stopping you?  

CLAIRE

I have school.

JARED

Fuck school.  Claire, listen, I've learned so much since I've been away.  You don't need it.  

CLAIRE

I do if I want to go to college.

JARED

Fuck college, Claire, the whole thing's an illusion.  It's bullshit.

CLAIRE

What are you talking about?

JARED

I'm talking about, I'm talking about life, you know?  Where we come from.  Our origins.  

Wanda knocks on Claire's door.  

WANDA

Claire, are you in there?  

CLAIRE

Shit.  Hide.  

Jared hides.

CLAIRE(cont.)

Just a second.  

Opens door.  

WANDA

Can I come in?

Enters room.

 

CLAIRE

Come on in.

WANDA

Listen, I felt really awful about the argument we had this morning.  I don't like fighting with my little girl.

CLAIRE

It's okay.  

WANDA

Well, I bought you a new dress.  I hope you like it.  

CLAIRE

Mom, you're not supposed to buy me clothes if I'm not there.  

WANDA

Now I know it's not your usual style, but I thought maybe you could wear it to church tomorrow.  

CLAIRE

Church?

WANDA

You know this morning how you were going on about how there had to be more to life than, you know, whatever it was you said.  Well I didn't really much think about it at first, but then I had this strange encounter at the mall that made me start to think that maybe you were on to something.  

CLAIRE

I wasn't talking about church.

WANDA

Well I'm sorry if that's not what you were referring to specifically, but we're going.  All of us.  As a family.  

CLAIRE

Mom, I'm an atheist.  

WANDA

No you're not.  You were baptized when you were a baby.  

CLAIRE

I don't believe in god.

WANDA

Well, I'm sorry, but this family is going to church tomorrow morning, and that includes you, atheist or whatever.  

CLAIRE

Mom-

WANDA

It's not open for debate.  You're going.  And you're wearing your new dress.

CLAIRE

I don't-

WANDA

Not another word!  Good night.  I love you sweetie.

Exits, closes the door behind her.

Claire is dumbstruck by her mother's behavior.  Jared comes out of hiding.  

JARED

That was horrifying.  

CLAIRE

She's crazy if she thinks I'm going to church.  

JARED

You realize of course that your mom's got all the makings of a future Bible-beating fanatic?

CLAIRE

That's all I need.  

JARED

Then you have to come with me.  To escape.  

CLAIRE

I'm not running away from home to go live on a farm.  

JARED

What's there to stay for?  Your parents don't understand you.  They don't love you.  And school, shit, those people are just trying to mold you into a nice forty hour a week worker-bee.  It's all bullshit Claire.  

CLAIRE

God, you just got back and I'm already sick of your counter-culter mumbo-jumbo.  

JARED

No, Claire, this is different.  This is for real.  You just...you gotta understand.  These people, they really know what's going on.  

CLAIRE

What people?  

JARED

Claire, I don't wanna go without you.  I love you.  

They kiss.  

CLAIRE

I love you too.  

They kiss.  

JARED

Then you'll come with me?  

They kiss.

CLAIRE

Okay.  

They kiss.

JARED

You will?

They kiss.  

CLAIRE

Sure.

They kiss.  

JARED

Can we take your car?  

SCENE VII

Downstairs.  Henry stumbles through the front door, arms laden with bags stuffed with graphs, charts, various papers, disks, a laptop.  He's talking on his cell phone. He spills papers everywhere, but keeps talking while he goes about picking it up.  Wanda tries to help, he keeps snatching papers out of her hand.  

HENRY

Uh, well, as far as I can tell, it all looks pretty sound, Thomas....Well no, we didn't make it into development today, but...Yes, I had people there at eight o'clock this morning.  The problem is Harliss sir....Well, he claims that Maliziano won't sign off on the specs....I've gone over these things a million times.  We're ready to go.... Yes, I talked to Harliss myself...No, I didn't talk to Maliziano, but...Okay, I will.  I'm taking that as an action item, talk to Maliziano....Right.  Tonight, yes sir.  

Absolutely...Yes sir.  I'll take care of it.  Good night sir.  Enjoy the rest of your trip.  

He hangs up, starts dialing again.  

WANDA

Henry, guess what happened to me today!

HENRY

You went shopping.  

WANDA

Yes, but I-

HENRY

I'll look at what you got in just a minute, okay?

WANDA

Henry, I met the nicest-

HENRY

Maliziano.  It's Walters...Yes, I know what time it is.  What's this about you not signing off on the specs?  No, I've got 'em right in front of me.

Snaps at a piece of paper for Wanda to hand to him, which she does

Yep, the latest version.  Where we converted all the IAP's to Neurodag connections.

WANDA

I'll make some tea.  

Goes about the business of making tea because, well, she can't just stand there.  

HENRY

Yes, it's compatible.  I'm sure of it.  We tested it...I had my guys do it, I don't trust those idiots in QA...Look, we're gonna be in there bright and early tomorrow morning  with or without your signature.  

WANDA

Henry, no!    

HENRY

Look, I've talked to Thomas.  He and I are on the same page.  

WANDA

We're going to church tomorrow.  

HENRY

What?

WANDA

We're going to church tomorrow.

HENRY

Yeah, I'm here.  Look, we've got a deadline.  End of story...Uh-huh...Well you'd better get your facts straight pal.  I'm not gonna be the one left hanging out to dry when Digiderm beats us to the punch.  See you in the morning.

Hangs up.  

I swear, some people just don't seem to understand the concept of a deadline.  We have a deadline to meet.  There's no bargaining with that.  

WANDA

Henry, you can't go to work tomorrow.  

HENRY

Sure I can.  

WANDA

But we're going to church.

HENRY

Who's going to church?

WANDA

We are.  The three of us.  As a family.  

HENRY

Sweetie, I'd love to go to church with you but you don't stay competitive by skipping work on a Sunday.  

WANDA

Oh, dear.  You're so stressed.

Tries to massage him.

HENRY

No!  No massaging.  I can't relax, not now, not with so much on the line.  Stress is fuel, it keeps you going long after you should have dropped.  The key is to maintain a higher stress level than your competition.  That's how you win.

WANDA

Can't you go into the office a little late?  

HENRY

Now what's it going to look like if I told everyone else to show up at eight o'clock, and I come rolling in a couple of hours later?  “Sorry guys, I had to go to church.”

WANDA

They can't impede on your religious obligations.

HENRY

What religious obligations?  

WANDA

So you're not coming?  

HENRY

Not tomorrow sweets.  But tell me how it goes, I might be interested.  Church membership always looks good on an executive profile.  

SCENE VIII

James is sleeping.  He is awakened by a loud banging on his door.  The voices of Brian and Miss Tina admonish him to wake up.

MISS TINA

James.

BRIAN

Arise, James!

MISS TINA

Awaken thou sluggard!

BRIAN

The hour to arise is at hand!

MISS TINA

Awaken!

BRIAN

Enough of this needless slumber.

MISS TINA

The Lord calleth thy name, James!

BRIAN

Let him not find you sleeping.

MISS TINA

James!

BRIAN

James!

BRIAN & MISS TINA

ARISE JAMES!

James stumbles sleepily to the door and lets them in.

JAMES

Hey guys.

BRIAN

Hello James.

MISS TINA

How are you James?

BRIAN

Sleeping, James?

JAMES

What time is it?  

BRIAN

Late James.

MISS TINA

Very late.

JAMES

Is everything allright?

BRIAN

No James.

MISS TINA

Everything is not allright.

BRIAN

Things are very wrong.

JAMES

What's the matter?  Did something happen?  

MISS TINA

Lost souls wander the earth.

BRIAN

With hearts stained black as pitch.  

MISS TINA

Stained by sin.  

BRIAN

Destined for the fires of hell.

MISS TINA

To burn for all eternity.

BRIAN

Punishment, James, for their disbelief.

MISS TINA

For not becoming disciples.

BRIAN

For not joining the Body.  

MISS TINA

For turning their backs on the Lord our God.

JAMES

I know.

BRIAN

You know?

MISS TINA

And yet you sleep?

JAMES

I'm sorry!  It's late.  I was out sharing my faith all day.  

MISS TINA

Tonight at the corner of 29th and Nueces, the driver of a Volkswagen Cabrio ran a red light broadsiding a Ford Aerostar carrying a family of five.  Everyone in both cars was killed.

BRIAN

Six souls James.

MISS TINA

Burning in hell now.

BRIAN

And yet you sleep.  

JAMES

Maybe they were disciples too!  Maybe they're all in heaven!

BRIAN

The Body of Christ has no local disciples that drive either a Cabrio or a Ford Aerostar.  They're all in hell.

MISS TINA

Be on the alert James, for ye know not the hour that the master of the house cometh.

BRIAN

Whether in the evening, or at midnight, or at the cockcrowing.

MISS TINA

Lest he find you sleeping.

JAMES

I'm sorry!  I was tired.

MISS TINA

Tired?  You sluggard.

BRIAN

How long have you been a disciple now James?

MISS TINA

Six months since we baptized you?

BRIAN

Yet you've not brought a single soul to worship.

JAMES

I brought my mom that time.

BRIAN & MISS TINA

That doesn't count.

JAMES

Why not?

MISS TINA

Too easy.

BRIAN

Of course your mother will come to church with you.  

MISS TINA

That's hardly a challenge.  

BRIAN

That's not putting yourself out there.

MISS TINA

That's not speaking the word with boldness.

JAMES

Well, I talked to a lady today.  

MISS TINA

A lady?

BRIAN

Did you have impure thoughts about her?  

JAMES

No.  

MISS TINA

Did your eyes wander ever so quickly up and down the length of her body?  

JAMES

No, I was at the mall, and I was trying to share my faith and nobody would listen to me.  

BRIAN

You're speaking the word of God and no one is listening to you?

MISS TINA

The word of God is flawless James.

BRIAN

It is a shield to those who take refuge unto it.

MISS TINA

Into it.  

JAMES

I know, but then this lady dropped her bag, and she started crying, and we started talking, and I invited her to come tomorrow.  

BRIAN

So she's coming?  

JAMES

I think so.  I don't know.  

MISS TINA

Do you believe that God spoke to this woman through you?  

JAMES

I don't know.  We were just talking.  

BRIAN

Sounds like you're having a bit of a problem with faith, James.  

MISS TINA

Or rather, a lack thereof.

BRIAN

The righteous live by faith James.

MISS TINA

It's in the Bible.

BRIAN

We're assuming you read your Bible?  

JAMES

Yes!  Of course.  Every day.  

MISS TINA

That which comes not from faith is sin, James.

BRIAN

Sin.

MISS TINA

So what's this woman's name?  

JAMES

Uh, it's, uh-

BRIAN

Yes?

JAMES

I didn't get her name.

MISS TINA

You invited a woman to church and you didn't even get her name?  

BRIAN

Were you too busy lusting after her?  

JAMES

No!  Not at all.  

BRIAN

Do you really think that God can work through you when you're busy lusting after the person you're trying to save?

JAMES

But I wasn't-

MISS TINA

You had better pray long and hard that your sin of lust doesn't' send that poor lost woman to hell.  

JAMES

I'm sorry.  I will.  

MISS TINA

Six souls in hell James.

JAMES

I know.

BRIAN

It's not really your fault.  

MISS TINA

Probably not.

BRIAN

You don't even live on that side of town.  

MISS TINA

And you've only been a disciple for six months.

BRIAN

But the next one could be.

MISS TINA

Your fault.  

BRIAN

Can you imagine, James, the guilt of having souls in hell because of you?  

MISS TINA

I can't.

JAMES

I'm sorry!  I'm so sorry!  I'm a sinner!  I'm a wicked evil person.

MISS TINA

Indeed.  

BRIAN

So we'll see you at church tomorrow then.

MISS TINA

Good night James.  

Brian and Miss Tina turn and exit.  

SCENE IX

Sunday morning.  Henry is at the office.  He's dressed down a bit.  He is looking rather worn, but hey, it happens to the best of tools.  He's poring over plans while talking on his phone.  

HENRY

No, I'm not talking about phase six, I'm looking at phase four.  You with me?...No, we scratched the IAP's, remember?  We converted 'em all to Neurodag connections....Of course they're compatible....Well what version are you looking at?...That's the wrong version.  You need version 16-D.... Yes, we tested them....Well no, we only tested through phase two...How come?....Oh Christ....Oh Jesus.  Well, you're just gonna have to have somebody go through and fix 'em.  

Thomas enters without knocking.  The airline may have lost his luggage, but he took his shit-eating grin in his carry-on bag, so it, at least, is intact.  He carries Henry's family portrait.    

HENRY(cont.)

Gotta go.  Get somebody on that immediately....Then you do it.

Henry hangs up.

Thomas!  You're back early.  

THOMAS

Yeah, you know, Bermuda's nice, but it gets old after a while.  Hey, nice portrait.  

HENRY

Thank you sir.  

THOMAS

Very nice.  So what's the good word?  

HENRY

Oh, well, we're plugging away.  

THOMAS

So we're in development?

HENRY

Oh yeah, you bet.  

THOMAS

Any issues?  

HENRY

Nothing major.  Just a few snags.  

THOMAS

Talk to me Henry, what kinda snags?  

HENRY

Well, it looks like our Neurodag connections may not be fully compatible.  

THOMAS

I thought your guys tested it.

HENRY

Oh they did, they just-

THOMAS

Whose fault is it?  

HENRY

Oh it's nobody's fault, it just-

THOMAS

Gotta have accountability Henry, that's how you meet deadlines.  You make people accountable.  You make it somebody's fault.

HENRY

Well, we're getting it taken care of-

THOMAS

Who's accountable for that?

HENRY

That would be Maliziano, sir.

THOMAS

Are you sure?

HENRY

I just talked to him.

THOMAS

Send him an email, get it in writing.  Copy me on it.  Make sure he's on the same page.  

HENRY

Will do.

THOMAS

Gotta have accountability Henry.

HENRY

Yes sir.  

THOMAS

So we're still on for October?

HENRY

I think we're right on track.

THOMAS

Good man, that's what I like to hear.  Keep on top of things Henry.  I'm counting on you.  You're my eyes and ears on this deal.  

HENRY

Thank you sir.

THOMAS

I'll be in Puerta Vallarta all week, but you know how to reach me.

Exits.

HENRY

Don't worry sir.  I'll make sure it's taken care of!  

SCENE X

Sunday morning.  Church.  All the whores in the audience are sweating.  Brian is in the pulpit preaching to an excited crowd.  Actors and crew backstage are not allowed to make out, toke up, shoot up, wrestle or be otherwise distracted during the first part of this scene because they will be needed to shout out cries of “Amen”, “Hallelujah”, “Praise Jesus”, “Tell it brother”, and whatever other such phrases they can think up during Brian's sermon.

BRIAN

See, what you've gotta understand is that the Body of Christ is a unified entity.  It's all one piece.  A body is one piece.  You don't wake up every morning, reach over and pick up your right arm and strap it on to your shoulder.  You don't pick up your feet and attach 'em to your ankles.  You don't screw your head onto your neck before you eat your breakfast, do you?  No!  A body is one piece.  Such is the Body of Christ!  That's right!  Now you look around today at what they call Christendom, modern Christianity, what do you see?  You see denominations.  You see sects.  You see people divided against each other because they can't come to an agreement about what the word of God really means.  Well I say, what's there to agree about?  It means what it says!  Plain and simple.  There's nothing to argue, nothing to debate.  You don't interpret the Bible.  You don't go drawing your own meanings.  We're not talking about poetry here.  You read what it says and you do it.  And I'll tell you one thing it says loud and clear: the Body of Christ is one piece, and only those that are a part of the Body of Christ are truly saved by the blood of our Lord.  Now you say to me, you say to me, well Brother Brian, Brother Brian, what about all these other denominations out there?  What about them, does Jesus love them?  Are they going to heaven?  It's simple.  If you're not a part of the Body of Christ, the Bible says you're not saved.  And if you're trying to divide up the Body of Christ, then you're not a part of it.  You with me?  Let us pray.

Lights dim on Brian, rise on Wanda and James.  Wanda is dressed in her Sunday best, James has just sort of washed up a little.  They're both beaming.  

WANDA

My god, this is absolutely amazing.  I don't remember church ever being like this.  

JAMES

Yeah.  Wow.  I'm so glad you came.

WANDA

I'm glad I did too.  I wish my family could have come.  

JAMES

Uh, what's your name?

WANDA

My--?  Oh my gosh, I didnt' tell you my name!  I'm Wanda.

JAMES

I'm James.  Nice to meet you Wanda.

Brian and Miss Tina enter.  They are VERY glad to meet Wanda.

BRIAN

James!

JAMES

Brian, Miss Tina.  I'd like you to meet Wanda.  This is the lady I was telling you about.

BRIAN

Wanda, so good to meet you.  I'm Brian, this is Miss Tina, the leader of our women's ministry.

MISS TINA

So nice to meet you.  So what did you think?  

WANDA

Oh, this is absolutely wonderful!  Everyone's so warm, the service was so energetic!

BRIAN

Well, we feel like it should be an invigorating experience.  Worshipping your creator should never be boring.  

WANDA

I was just telling James that I wish my husband and my daughter could have come.

MISS TINA

You should bring them along next week.  We'd love to have them.  

BRIAN

What does your husband do?  

WANDA

He's a project management coordination specialist.  I'm not sure what that means exactly.

MISS TINA

Sounds important.  

BRIAN

Sounds well-paid.

MISS TINA

That's a beautiful outfit by the way.  

WANDA

Why thank you.  I just got it yesterday.  

MISS TINA

It's just exquisite.  

BRIAN

So whereabouts do you and your family live?

WANDA

We have a house out in Lago Oeste.

MISS TINA

Nice area.

WANDA

We like it.  It's safe.  Good schools.  

BRIAN

Big houses.  

MISS TINA

Huge!

They laugh for some reason.  Actors resist the urge to punch themselves.

MISS TINA(cont.)

So, Wanda, we're having a little lunch gathering this afternoon.  You simply must join us.  I won't take no for an answer.  

WANDA

Oh, well, I'd love to.  Should I bring anything?

MISS TINA

Just yourself.  

WANDA

Well sure.  

MISS TINA

Fantastic.  I'll get you the directions.  I'll see you boys later.

BRIAN

Bye Wanda.  So good to meet you.  

JAMES

Thanks for coming!

WANDA

Bye.  Thank you!

Brian and Wanda exit.  James is beaming.

JAMES

I did it!  I finally did it!

BRIAN

Congratulations James.  You brought one visitor.  Look over there, look at Kim.  Kim brought three visitors.  Robert brought five.  Trevor brought four.  You brought one.  Don't go getting prideful.  Pride is a sin and it will send you to hell, do you understand me?  

JAMES

I'm sorry.  

BRIAN

Sounds like somebody's got themselves some serious prayer to do when they get home.  

JAMES

I will.  I'm sorry.  Thank you brother.

Miss Tina reenters.

MISS TINA

Good work James.  I think you brought in our single most glamorous visitor this morning.  Why don't you go find yourself a nice quiet place to give thanks to Jesus?

JAMES

Okay.  Thank you.  

BRIAN

Don't forget James!

James exits.  

MISS TINA

So what do you think?  

BRIAN

I think we need to fast-track this one.  No need to wait around.

MISS TINA

You think she's ready?

BRIAN

We'll find out this afternoon.

MISS TINA

Praise Jesus.  

BRIAN

Praise Jesus indeed, sister.  

SCENE XI

Claire and Jared arrive at the farm where his friends live.  There's a wild celebration in progress.

CLAIRE

My god, what's going on?

JARED

Everybody's celebrating.  

CLAIRE

Celebrating what?

JARED

You know, freedom.

CLAIRE

Do you know these people?  

JARED

Pretty much, yeah.

CLAIRE

Pretty much?

JARED

Well I've never actually met them, not face to face.  

CLAIRE

I thought these people were your friends.

JARED

You can't be judgemental Claire, you've gotta have an open mind.  

Ralzian enters to the podium.

CLAIRE

But I don't understand-

JARED

Ssshhh!  

CLAIRE

Don't fucking shush me.

Ralzian stands at the podium.  Wild cheering erupts from the crowd, cutting Claire off.  Jared is awestruck, Claire seems lost.  

RALZIAN

Welcome everyone!  Welcome!  Everyone having a good time?

More cheering.  

CLAIRE

Who's that?

JARED

Sit down.  

RALZIAN

My children!  We've much to celebrate.  I look around and I see many bright shining faces, radiating with happiness, the happiness that can only come from freedom.  Freedom from conformity.  Freedom from this world's foolish concepts of what constitutes the sacred.  Freedom from hatred and greed and prejudice.  From being molded into a status quo being.  You, who never belonged, never fit into this world's notions of who you should be, you who finally had the courage to realize that you were destined for something greater!

More cheering.

CLAIRE

What is he talking about?

JARED

Ssshh, just listen.  

RALZIAN

I also see many other faces filled with pain.  I know this pain.  The pain that comes from not knowing where you belong, if you belong anywhere at all.  To those of you here today who are going through this, I say to you, you can be free.  The pain you feel comes from the fact that your soul, your heart, your subconscious all know the greatness that you are capable of, but your conscious mind is trapped by the shackles of this world that demand obedience and conformity.  If you are one of those here today, who is suffering, I urge you to open your hearts and minds to the Bilian movement, and join us in celebrating freedom!

More cheering.  Ralzian exits.

CLAIRE

Who is that?

JARED

That's Ralzian.  He's like, the leader.  Isn't he like... man!

CLAIRE

Leader of what?

JARED

Claire, have you ever felt like you didn't belong on this planet?  That perhaps there was something more?  I know you have.  

CLAIRE

Why are you talking like a self-help video?  

JARED

This isn't a joke Claire, this is serious stuff.  This is about finding the place where you belong.  Here, check this out.

Removes a shiny black rock from his bag.  

CLAIRE

What is it?

JARED

Take it.

Yeah!  Take it!

CLAIRE

It's a rock.

JARED

Guess where it's from?

CLAIRE

The ground?

JARED

Well, sort of.  It's from a ground.

CLAIRE

What?

JARED

It's a rock, like you said.

CLAIRE

Jared, for christ's sakes-

JARED

But it's not from the Earth.

CLAIRE

So where's it from?

JARED

Bil.  

CLAIRE

What?  

JARED

The planet Bil.  In the Dramadus galaxy.  

CLAIRE

The planet Bil?  

JARED

Yeah.

CLAIRE

Like planet William?

JARED

No, Bil.  Just Bil.  

CLAIRE

Okay.  So where'd you get it?  

JARED

Dubyoo-dubyoo-dubyoo dot planet Bil dot com.

CLAIRE

What?  

JARED

I mean dot org.

CLAIRE

Jared!  It's a rock!

JARED

Claire, listen.  Just listen.  Okay?

CLAIRE

I'm listening.

JARED

The planet Bil is our home.  

CLAIRE

Our home?  

JARED

That's where we're from.  That's where we belong.  

CLAIRE

Wait wait, back up?  You think you're an alien?

JARED

I know I am.  And so are you!

CLAIRE

Are you kidding?  

JARED

Just think about it Claire, doesn't it make perfect sense?  How we've never fit in anywhere, how in that big crazy school, you and me were the only ones who seemed to have any clue about anything.  Everybody else was just like, they were like zombies, following along with every stupid trend.  

CLAIRE

That doesn't qualify us to be aliens.  

JARED

Claire, there are thousands of depressed disenfranchised people all over the Earth who actually come from Bil, and they feel out of place here because they're not on their home planet.  Why do you think there are so many people on Prozac and Xanax and shit like that?   

Claire starts laughing.

JARED(cont.)

Claire?

CLAIRE

You're so full of shit.

Exits.

JARED

Following after her.

But don't you see?  It's so obvious...

SCENE XII

Brian's house.  Brian is sitting thumbing through his Bible.  Miss Tina enters with a file folder.  

MISS TINA

Got it.

BRIAN

Let's see it.

Miss Tina hands the folder to Brian, he reviews it.

MISS TINA

Pretty attractive profile.  Home in Lago Oeste like she said.

BRIAN

Not the cheap part either.  

MISS TINA

Land Rover and a Mercedes in the driveway.  Daughter drives a Lexus.    

BRIAN

Good grades?

MISS TINA

Honor roll, drama club, french club, yearbook.

BRIAN

Extracirricular involvement, that's good.  What's the husband's take-home?

Miss Tina points to a spot on the paper, Brian whistles.  

BRIAN(cont.)

Any current church membership?  

MISS TINA

No, they're clean.  Husband works a lot of hours, though.  May not be as open to the word.  

BRIAN

Let's just concentrate on Wanda for now.  We'll have to work the husband angle nice and slow.  So what's she do?

MISS TINA

Psychology degree.  Married right of school, she hasn't worked since.  Spends most of her time shopping or at the country club.  

BRIAN

Very nice.  Excellent work sister.  We need to make this one our top priority.  

MISS TINA

Absolutely.  

BRIAN

I believe that God has brought Wanda to us so that through her, we may bring salvation and hope to those who are suffering the hollow meaningless artificial joy that comes with wealth and privelege.  

MISS TINA

I understand.  All glory to the Body of Christ.  

BRIAN

To the Body of Christ.  

SCENE XIII

Later that evening, the Walters home.  Wanda bursts in, extremely panicked.  Everywhere she steps, everything she touches, she is very careful.  

WANDA

Henry!  Henry!

But of course, he's not home.  Wanda bangs on Claire's door.  

WANDA(cont.)

Claire?  Claire, honey, are you in there?  Come out, please, honey?  Claire?   

She dials her cell phone.  Henry answers.  Lights rise on Henry at the office, working like a madman.  He keeps up his breakneck pace while they speak.  

HENRY

Walters here.  Hello?  Hello?  

Wanda sobs into the phone.  

HENRY(cont.)

Who is this?  Harliss, is that you?  

WANDA

Henry...  

HENRY

Wanda?  Jesus Christ, what's the matter?  I'm working.  

WANDA

Oh Henry...

Sobs.

HENRY

Sweetie, I'm really busy.  What's--?  Oh hang on I've got another call.  

WANDA

Henry...

HENRY

Clicks over.  

Walters here.  Harliss, what's the good word?...Phase three huh?  We need to get to phase seven by about dawn...Yep.  Okay.

Clicks back to Wanda.

Wanda, you still there?  Sorry babe, doesn't look like I'm gonna make it home tonight.  Big emergency, lots of fires to put out-

WANDA

Henry, we're going to hell.

HENRY

What's that?  

WANDA

We're going to hell.  

HENRY

I don't follow.   

WANDA

We're going to hell.  

HENRY

Babe, if I'm gonna make it home at all this week, I've got a lot of work-

WANDA

Henry it's true, they showed me!

HENRY

Showed you what?  

WANDA

In the Bible.  All the things that get you into heaven.

HENRY

Who showed you?  

WANDA

I haven't done them Henry, not at all.  Or at least I didn't do them right.  They showed me how a lot of people do everything wrong and then they die and they're completely shocked to find themselves in hell.  

HENRY

Who told you this?  

WANDA

The people at church.  

HENRY

Oh right, the church.  How was it?  Are they Episcopalian by chance?  I think Thomas is Episcopalian.  

WANDA

No.  They're the Body of Christ.  

HENRY

The who?

WANDA

The Body of Christ, Henry.  Do you understand?  We're going to hell!  You, me, Claire, everyone we know.  

HENRY

Uh-huh.  Look, Wanda, I'm right behind you on this whole church thing, I think it's a great idea.  But maybe you should find us another one that's not quite so, you know, hellfire and brimstone.  

WANDA

We can't do that.  

HENRY

Why not?  Just look in the yellow pages.  

WANDA

There's only one church, Henry, one body.  All the others are wrong.

HENRY

Maybe you could find one closer to our side of town.  

WANDA

We have to be baptized.  We have to be disciples.  

She keeps mumbling shit like this to herself after Henry has clicked over to the other line.  

HENRY

Uh-huh.  Oh, hold on.

Clicks over

Walters here...No, I just talked to Harliss, he...What?  You're shitting me!...Okay, I'll be right up.  

Clicks back.

Babe, I gotta go.  Big emergency.  Huge.  

WANDA

Henry!  

HENRY

Love you too.  

SCENE XIV

Back at the farm with Jared and Claire.  Jared now wears a robe like the one Ralzian had on.  He tries to hand one to Claire, she doesn't take it.

CLAIRE

You're kidding.

JARED

No, it's for you.  Go ahead.  

CLAIRE

I'm not wearing that.  

JARED

Why not?  Everybody else is.

CLAIRE

Everybody else is?  Jesus, Jared, come on.  You're starting to sound like my mom with her stupid pills.  

JARED

It's soft cotton.  Feel.  

CLAIRE

Jared, you're telling me these people actually think we're aliens?

JARED

Yeah.  What makes you think we're not?

CLAIRE

And you believe them?

JARED

Yeah.  

CLAIRE

But we were born here.  On Earth.  We're not aliens.  

JARED

Ah, see, that's a common misunderstanding.  Our bodies were born on earth, okay?  But our spirits come from another place.

CLAIRE

Planet Bob?

JARED

Bil.

CLAIRE

That's a stupid name for a planet.

JARED

It means home in Bilian.

CLAIRE

Oh yeah?  How do you say “gullible?”  

JARED

Claire, in our past lives, when we lived on Bil, we knew complete peace, complete oneness with everything, we were never lonely.  But the problem was that's all that we knew.  We didn't know what it felt like to be alone or sad or to feel anything negative, so we couldn't truly appreciate what we had.  That's why we had to be reincarnated here on Earth, so we could learn about these things.  And now that we have, the truth about our origins has been revealed to us and we can go home.  

CLAIRE

So this little hippie commune is your new home?

JARED

Just until the ship comes.  

CLAIRE

What?

JARED

Yeah!  A ship is coming from Bil to get us!  Duh!  Now will you put on the robe?  

CLAIRE

You're totally serious, aren't you?  

JARED

This isn't something I'd joke about.  

CLAIRE

Oh my god.  

JARED

I know!  We get to go in a spaceship!  

Claire starts walking away.  

JARED(cont.)

Whoa, Claire, wait.

Blocks her path.

Where are you going?  

CLAIRE

I'm leaving, Jared.  

JARED

You can't just leave.  

CLAIRE

Why not?  

JARED

You'll miss the ship.  I can't let you do that.  

CLAIRE

I don't want to get on any ship.  Now let me go.  

JARED

No wait, just let me talk to you.

CLAIRE

Jared let me go.  

Claire makes several attempts to walk past, but Jared blocks her each time.  She tries to fake him out and run, but he grabs her.  She screams and flails, and manages to hit him directly in the nuts.  He crumbles to the ground.  Claire runs away.  The actor portraying Jared gives thanks to the patron saint of testicular armor, unless of course, he has been castrated prior to this production.  

 

SCENE XV

Brian, Miss Tina, James, and Wanda are gathered.  Wanda looks a bit haggard.  

BRIAN

So Wanda, have you given any thought to what we talked about last time?

WANDA

I have, I-

Wanda is startled by something imaginary out of the corner of her eye.  

I've been a little anxious.  

BRIAN

Well, Wanda, that sounds about right.  Knowing that you're on your way to hell can make you very aware of just how close we live to death every day of our lives.  

WANDA

What do I do?  I can't go on like this.

BRIAN

We'll get to that.  Is anybody thirsty?  I'm thirsty.   Anybody else?  

MISS TINA

I'm thirsty.  

BRIAN

James, why don't you run downstairs and get us all something to drink, would you?  

JAMES

Sure thing.

James exits.

BRIAN

Now then, Wanda, have you talked to your family about your new found revelations?  Your husband, perhaps?

WANDA

I tried to, but he was at work and I couldn't get him to listen for very long.

BRIAN

Mm-hmm.  Mm-hmm.  I take it your husband spends a lot of time at the office?

WANDA

He does.  He thrives on deadlines.

BRIAN

Mm-hmm.  Mm-hmm.  I see.  Very well then.  Just curious.  Wanda, are you familiar with the act of confession?  In a Biblical sense, what it means?

WANDA

Like what Catholics do?  

BRIAN

Well, the Catholics do have a similar sort of thing that they modeled after Biblical confession, but it's not quite the same, and frankly, it doesn't really count in God's eyes.  What I'm talking about is confession as it's described in the Bible.  It's not meant just to help you get something off your chest.  The idea is that you confess to others who are closer to God than you are so that they can help you.  You see what I mean?

WANDA

I think so.  

James reenters with drinks.

BRIAN

You see, the Bible tells us to confess our sins to one another and pray for each other so that we may be healed, because the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.  You following me here?  

WANDA

So far, yes.  

BRIAN

Okay, now let's take a little example from real life.  Miss Tina here has been a disciple for over three years.  Three years she has known the Lord.  

MISS TINA

Three years, praise Jesus.  

BRIAN

And James here has just been a disciple for a few months.  He knows the Lord too, but not as well as Miss Tina does.  Now based on that, which of these two is the most righteous?  

WANDA

Uh, Miss Tina?

BRIAN

That's right.  Miss Tina is more righteous than James.  

MISS TINA

Now God loves James of course.

BRIAN

Of course.  

MISS TINA

He's saved by the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ just like me.  He's just not quite as righteous as I am.  

BRIAN

Few people are sister.  Does that make sense to you Wanda?

WANDA

Oh of course.  

BRIAN

Good, good.  Now then, according to what the Bible tells us, between Miss Tina and James, which one should be confessing their sins to the other?  

WANDA

James should confess to Miss Tina?

BRIAN

That's right!  Very good!  

MISS TINA

That's so good.

BRIAN

We'll have you saved in no time.  See, because Miss Tina is more righteous than James, when James confesses his sin to Miss Tina, Miss Tina can pray for him.  Not only that, but Miss Tina will know what sorts of sins James is likely to fall into, and she can keep tabs on him, if you will.  You see how that works?

WANDA

Yes.

BRIAN

Okay, now then, let's sort of give a little demonstration here with a little role playing.  James, why don't you go on and confess your sins to Miss Tina.  

JAMES

Right now?

BRIAN

Yeah, just pretend we aren't here, just go ahead and confess whatever sins you've got on your heart to Miss Tina.  Just so we can show Wanda how it works.  

JAMES

Well, uh, okay.

They assume the “confessional” position.  Have fun with that one.  

JAMES(cont.)

Well, uh-

MISS TINA

So brother, how are you?  How was your day?

BRIAN

See, they start off with a little small talk to get things going.  That's optional.  Go ahead James.

JAMES

Uh, fine.  I, um, I have some sins that I need to confess.  

MISS TINA

Okay brother.  I'm listening.  

JAMES

Well, uh, I was debaucherous yesterday.

MISS TINA

I see.  How so?

BRIAN

See, Miss Tina's asking him questions to get him to be specific.  It's very important that you're specific about your sins.  God wants the details.  

JAMES

It was with coffee.  I drank five cups of coffee at work before noon.  And then I had more after lunch.  And then I was really sleepy so I just kept drinking it.  

MISS TINA

I see.  And how did that make you feel?

JAMES

Uh, jittery.

MISS TINA

I see.

JAMES

And bad.  Like a sinner.  I'm sorry.

MISS TINA

It's allright.  Anything else?

JAMES

Well, uh, on the way over here, I passed by a big group of girls in, well, they were wearing very revealing clothing, and I think maybe that I had impure thoughts.  But I'm not sure.  

MISS TINA

I see.  Did you look away from them when you saw them or did you just keep staring?  

JAMES

Uh, well I wasn't staring, but I didn't look away.  

MISS TINA

So you lusted after them?

JAMES

I guess so.

MISS TINA

You said you didn't look away?

JAMES

No.

MISS TINA

And why not?  

JAMES

Because they were pretty.

MISS TINA

That's lust James.

JAMES

Oh.  Okay.  I'm sorry.  

MISS TINA

I'll pray for you that your lust doesn't lead to you being impure with yourself.  

JAMES

Thank you.  

MISS TINA

Why don't you go find yourself a nice quiet place to talk to God about what you've done.

JAMES

But there's more.  

BRIAN

That's enough for now James, you can confess the rest later.  

JAMES

But-

MISS TINA

That'll do James.

JAMES

Okay.

BRIAN

Thank you James.

James exits.  

BRIAN(cont.)

Now then, Wanda, you see how that works?  Now when Miss Tina talks to James, she can say “hey brother, how you doing on that debauchery and that lust?”  And since James knows that Miss Tina will be keeping tabs on him and holding him accountable, he's less likely to slip into those sins again.  

MISS TINA

You've got to have accountability.

BRIAN

That's right.  To help us to maintain our righteousness and be as righteous as we possibly can.  

WANDA

Does this mean I need to confess all my sins?

Miss Tina is busy readying a laptop.  

BRIAN

You're very sharp, Wanda.  If you want to be a disciple, if you want to be granted salvation by our Lord Jesus Christ, yes, you must confess every sin you've ever committed, as it commands in the Bible.  

WANDA

What if I can't remember them all?

MISS TINA

Oh I think you'll be surprised once you get going.  

BRIAN

You'd be amazed what you can remember.  The sins just keep on coming.

to Miss Tina

Ready?

MISS TINA

Ready.

BRIAN

Okay Wanda.  God is listening.

SCENE XVI

Henry has fallen asleep at his desk.  The phone rings, startling him out of his sleep.

HENRY

Wha-?  Thomas!  The product!

Realizes it's the phone.  He answers it.

Hello?  I mean, Walters here.

Lights rise on Wanda.  She is crying again.  She is clutching a large stack of papers, the perforated kind that are all connected and can stretch on for miles if you need them to.  Dim lights also rise on Brian and Miss Tina in a separate location.  They also have between them a large stack of papers, the same size as Wanda's.  They're reading different portions of it and showing each other stuff they find and laughing.  

HENRY(cont.)

Hello?

WANDA

Henry?

HENRY

Oh Wanda, thank god.  I'm glad you called, I'd fallen asleep.

WANDA

Henry, I'm horrible.

HENRY

Christ, how long have I been out?  Shit!  Twenty minutes!  

WANDA

Henry, I-

HENRY

Ah Christ, I drooled on the specs.  Sorry honey, it doesn't look like I'm gonna be home again tonight.  This project is gonna be the death of me.  Every time I turn around, there's a new snag-

WANDA

Henry, I'm a horrible person.

HENRY

Oh, sweetie.  Did you forget to take your pills?  

WANDA

I deserve to go to hell.

HENRY

Ah no, again with the hell talk.  

WANDA

Henry, I made a list.

HENRY

A list?  That's good.

WANDA

A list of all the sins I've ever committed.  It's huge!  Just pages of it!  What with the talking in class and not eating my vegetables and the stealing candy and the drinking and the smoking and the cow-tipping and that thing with that girl in college that I never told you about and the lying and oh gosh, the plagiarism and always taking the biggest piece of cake at Claire's birthday parties and that one time with the football team...

First, a note from the playwright.  For this part above where Wanda is listing off sins, I am not going to cry if the actress playing Wanda just starts making sins up.  As a matter of fact, I encourage you, dear actress, to go hogwild making new shit up every night.  While Wanda is speaking, Thomas enters Henry's office.  Henry puts the phone to his chest to talk to Thomas.  Not realizing that Henry is not listening, Wanda keeps talking, just mouthing the words and referring constantly to her sin list.  Brian and Miss Tina keep doing their thing.  

THOMAS

Henry my man!

HENRY

Thomas!  Hey!  You're back!

THOMAS

Ah, fucking Mexico.  The service is great but it gets depressing.  You know how it is.

HENRY

I've never-

THOMAS

So what's the good word?  Burning the midnight oil?  

HENRY

Well, it's the Neurodag connections sir.  

THOMAS

Some compatibility issue, right?  You had somebody working on that?  

HENRY

Right, we were able to fix them with Neurodag adpaptors.  

THOMAS

Problem solved.  Nice work.  

HENRY

Well, it turns out we don't have the licenses to use the Neurodag adaptors.  

THOMAS

Which means what?  

HENRY

Could spell a lawsuit.

THOMAS

So we need those licenses?

HENRY

I'm working on that sir.

THOMAS

Who was supposed to take care of this in the first place?

HENRY

Uh, Maliziano usually handles the legal stuff.

THOMAS

Fire him.  I want you to do it personally so I know it's been done.  

HENRY

But sir, he's integral to this project.  

THOMAS

Gotta have accountability Henry.  You gotta make it someone's fault.  Show everybody the consequences.  That's how you keep on top.  

HENRY

Yes sir.  

THOMAS

That's my man, Henry.  I'll be in Vegas all week, but you know how to reach me.  

HENRY

Yes sir.  

Thomas exits.  Henry goes back to the phone.  Wanda is really in hysterics now.

WANDA

--because you were always at work, so he just told you he was on vacation.  

HENRY

What?  

WANDA

Sometimes his cell phone would ring and it would be you calling.  I'm so sorry Henry.  

HENRY

Uh, yeah, sorry sweetheart.  Listen, I gotta go.  I'll try to call you tomorrow.  

WANDA

Henry-

HENRY

Love you too.  

Henry hangs up.  Lights dim on Wanda and Henry.  Rises full on Brian and Miss Tina who are both hysterical with laughter, falling down, eyes watering, etc.   

BRIAN

So while her husband is at work, she's fooling around with his boss!

MISS TINA

And he thinks the boss is on vacation!  

BRIAN

Praise Jesus!

MISS TINA

Oh, look at this one.  “When I was a freshman in college, I found out I was pregnant.  When I told my boyfriend, he broke up with me and wouldn't talk to me.  I was scared and I didn't know what to and I didn't feel like I could tell anyone, so I went and had an abortion.”

Wild laughter.

 

BRIAN

Just had an abortion!

More laughter.  

MISS TINA

Oh we've got her right where we want her.  Stealing, lying-

BRIAN

Debauchery-

MISS TINA

Adultery-

BRIAN

Covetousness-

BRIAN and MISS TINA

Look at each other

PRIDE!

BRIAN

This one here might even count as incest.  

MISS TINA

According to Leviticus it does.  Praise Jesus!  

BRIAN

Praise Jesus!  This is just what we've been praying for.  The leaders back at home church are gonna get a kick out of this.

Phone rings.  Not just a regular phone, but a hotline!  Brian and Wanda get all excited.  

BRIAN(cont.)

Speak of the devil!

MISS TINA

Oh!  Oh!  

Brian answers the phone, speakerphone style.  Lights rise on Roger Boston on the other end of the line.  

BRIAN(cont.)

Hello?

ROGER

Greetings and God bless you brother Brian.  

BRIAN

Brother Roger!  We were just talking about you.  

ROGER

Where two or more of ye are gathered in my name there shall I be also.  Thus sayeth the Lord, thus sayeth Brother Roger Boston, praise Jesus hallelujah amen amen.  

BRIAN

Amen!

MISS TINA

Amen, Roger!

ROGER

Sister Tina, why hello!  May the blessings of our Lord Jesus Christ be anointed upon thine bosom, hallelujah.

MISS TINA

Hallelujah!

BRIAN

Hallelujah!

ROGER

Amen, let us pray.  

They bow their heads and close their eyes tight tight tight, because God won't listen otherwise.  

ROGER(cont.)

Dear heavenly father, we come before thee today on bended knee to ask for your blessing.

MISS TINA

Yes father.

ROGER

For your guidance.

BRIAN

Please father.

ROGER

For your hearty endorsement of our current endeavors to bring this poor lost woman to know the true joy of walking the path of righteousness.  

BRIAN

Amen!

MISS TINA

Oh amen!

ROGER

We ask you father that her heart may be wide open-

BRIAN

Yes!

ROGER

--that her head may be clear-

MISS TINA

Yes Lord!

ROGER

--that she would not be led astray by the deceit of her own intellect.  

BRIAN

You heard the man!

MISS TINA

Bring it!

ROGER

We ask that this poor lost sinful woman would be led out of the darkness by our examples of righteousness.  

MISS TINA

Yes father!

BRIAN

Yes!

ROGER

We ask all these things-

MISS TINA

Yes!  

ROGER

--in the name of the Father-

BRIAN

Oh God!

ROGER

--and the Son-

MISS TINA

Yes!  Yes!

ROGER

And the Holy Ghost!

ROGER, BRIAN, MISS TINA

AMEN!

They're done praying so they look up and open their eyes.  They're all a bit flushed.  

ROGER(cont.)

Praise the Lord, nothing like a good prayer to get the blood flowing.

MISS TINA

I wish I could just pray all day.

ROGER

Don't we all Miss Tina, but the work of the Lord is never done, praise the Lord, God of Abraham and Isaac.  Speaking of which, I understand the Lord has created quite the opportunity in your neck of the woods.  

BRIAN

Praise Jesus, but he has!

ROGER

Amen.

MISS TINA

Amen!

BRIAN

The Lord has finally given us the opportunity to get our foot in the door in Lago Oeste.

ROGER

Lago Oeste!  Praise Jesus!  

MISS TINA

Home to CEO's, millionaires, the mayor!

BRIAN

The most beautiful and blessed side of town in town.  

ROGER

You bring a few of those people to know the Lord, we'll have ourselves one attractive church, praise God.  I hope you both understand how absolutely crucial this woman's soul is to the Body of Christ?   

BRIAN

Wanda Walters is our top priority right now.  We just finished her sin list.

ROGER

How'd it go?

BRIAN

Brother, I felt as if Satan himself were in the room with us.

MISS TINA

I think he was.

BRIAN

We were engaged in true spiritual warfare.  

ROGER

Hallelujah and onward christian soldiers.  Get that sin list sent in tonight, we'll process her into the database.  Where is she now?

BRIAN

We sent her home to mull things over.

ROGER

Good, good, let her stew overnight.  

MISS TINA

I bet we have her baptized within a week.  

ROGER

Bless you sister, you are a light under my bushel, praise God.  I have every faith in the two of you that you'll save this woman's soul.  

BRIAN

Thank you Brother Roger.

ROGER

Uh, one other thing.  I understand the disciple that brought Mrs. Walters in was something of a blue-collar fellow?

BRIAN

That's correct, it was Brother James.

ROGER

Oh praise Jesus, but the lord does work in some very strange ways, doesn't he?  A blue collar disciple bringing in a woman blessed by God with wealth and privelege.  

MISS TINA

Amen!  It's like a miracle!

ROGER

Brother and sister, I believe it is important that we be careful when mixing these very different aspects of society within the body of Christ.

BRIAN

I'm not sure I understand brother.

MISS TINA

Brother James is harmless.

ROGER

Oh I'm sure he is.  But you see, the Body of Christ is made up of many parts, each with their own roles to fulfill, some blessed, some not so much.  Someone in my position could be considered like the head, the brains of the operation.  Brother Brian, you're like the hands, carrying out the daily tasks, making sure everything gets done.  Miss Tina, you spark of sunshine you, you're like the heart, just radiating joy and happiness everywhere you go.

MISS TINA

Oh brother Roger!

ROGER

And this Brother James fellow is sort of like the feet.  Now I know God's not concerned about Brother James's background or socio-economic status, but as disciples, I believe it is our duty to be sensitive to these kinds of things.  

MISS TINA

Especially with a soul on the line.

ROGER

Exactly!  Praise Jesus Miss Tina, you nailed it on the head.  And it is obvious from her financial situation that Miss Wanda is favored by the Lord our God.  

BRIAN

So where in the Body does that put her?

ROGER

Well, she would be like the cleavage.

BRIAN

The cleavage brother?  

MISS TINA

Of course!

ROGER

You know, the part that first grabs your attention and makes you keep looking, and then maybe makes you walk across the room and say hello, introduce yourself, offer your business card, make small talk, and then of course, agree to come to church.  I mean, who wouldn't follow cleavage to church?  You've got to have the cleavage, or something equivalent if you're going to have a good church.  

MISS TINA

Absolutely!  Wanda is our cleavage.  

BRIAN

I can't argue with that.  

ROGER

Amen amen, blessed be ye in all thy endeavors.  Keep me apprised of this woman's soul.  Hallelujah praise Jesus amen!

BRIAN

Amen!

MISS TINA

Amen!  

SCENE XVII

Jared and Claire, back at the farm.  Claire is now wearing the robe and fiddling with her defunct cell phone.  

JARED

I'm glad you decided to stay.

CLAIRE

I didn't decide anything.

Pause.

JARED

I'm glad you put on the robe.

CLAIRE

I was cold.  

Pause.

JARED

Ralzian says that on Bil, there's fruit that grows on all the trees that's real sweet and it gives you all these crazy hallucinations.  Like koala bears with eucalyptus leaves, you know?  

CLAIRE

That's what Ralzian says?

JARED

Yeah.  He also says the trip from Earth to Bil doesn't take that long because their technology is so much more advanced than ours.  They've figured out how to jump from place to place all over the galaxy in an instant.  Like time travel.  

CLAIRE

Well if Ralzian says so, then it must be true.

JARED

Yeah.  Yeah, it must be.

CLAIRE

Yeah.

Fiddles with her cell phone again, but it's still not getting service.  

JARED

Wow.  I'm really glad you came back.  

CLAIRE

Yeah.  

JARED

I'm sorry about your car.  

CLAIRE

Yeah, well, three flat tires, imagine that.

JARED

It's not like you'll ever need it again, you know.  When we get to Bil, Ralzian says we'll be able to fly.  That's why there's no pollution there.  

CLAIRE

Wow, it sounds really perfect, Jared.  

JARED

I know.

CLAIRE

I was being sarcastic.   

JARED

But it does sound perfect.  

CLAIRE

Forget it.  

JARED

But it does.  Claire?  

CLAIRE

What?

JARED

I love you.

Claire responds by shaking her head, exasperated and tired, not wanting to look at him.  She looks again at her cell phone, but it still gets no service.  

SCENE XVIII

Wanda's baptism.  Brian, Miss Tina, and James are gathered, all wearing their baptism clothes.  James is annoyingly excited.

BRIAN

Whatcha say there brother James?  You excited?  

JAMES

My first baptism.  

MISS TINA

That's right, James, you're finally going to be a fruitful disciple.  

BRIAN

That's just awesome James.  We're all really proud of you.

JAMES

Thank you.  I promise not to get prideful about it.  

Wanda enters.  She's wearing her baptism clothes.  She's gushing.

BRIAN

There she is, our little disciple-to-be.

WANDA

Hi everyone.  Hi James.

JAMES

Hi Wanda.  

MISS TINA

Wanda, I am so excited that in just a few minutes I'll be able to call you sister.  

WANDA

I know!  I'm so happy.  You all have been really wonderful through all of this.  It's been difficult coming to terms with the horrible darkness I've been living in for so many years, but I'm so glad that I had such good friends to show me the way.

BRIAN

Well that's what disciples do, Wanda.  One day you'll be able to do it for some other poor hellbound sinner.  

JAMES

Maybe even your husband!

Uncomfortable moment.  

WANDA

Maybe.

BRIAN

Well, shall we to the baptism?  Everyone's waiting around back.  

WANDA

Before we go, I have a little something for you.  

BRIAN

Oh?

WANDA

Not really for you, but for the church.  For God, I guess you'd say.  Here.

Hands Brian a check.  He is taken aback by the amount.

BRIAN

Why, Wanda, your generosity is...well it's humbling to be sure.  This is incredible.  The Body of Christ thanks you.  

WANDA

That's from my clothes.  

BRIAN

From what?  

WANDA

I sold all my expensive clothes.  And my jewelry, anything I didn't need anymore.  

JAMES

That's awesome!  Amen sister!  

MISS TINA

Now James, she's not our sister yet.

BRIAN

Uh, Wanda, you really shouldn't have done that.  

WANDA

Why not?  I didn't need all those clothes now that I'm going to be a disciple.  

MISS TINA

Wanda, oh, how to put this.  

BRIAN

Your heart was obviously in the right place, but you really shouldn't have gotten rid of all those nice clothes.  

WANDA

But I didn't need them anymore.  I don't want to be materialistic like that anymore.  

BRIAN

Wanda, those clothes, your husband's money, those are gifts from God.  

MISS TINA

And God wants us to use his gifts, not sell them off.  To not use them is, well-

BRIAN

It's a sin.  

WANDA

But I-

BRIAN

Wanda, the Lord has rained down blessings upon you because you are favored in his eyes.  Just think of the lost souls right there in Lago Oeste.  All going to hell.  There are no pieces of the Body of Christ in Lago Oeste right now.  You'd be the first.  Now do you think, do you really think that those people at the country club are gonna listen to you when you share your faith in Jesus Christ if you're dressed like a bum?  

WANDA

But I wasn't going to go to the country club anymore.  I-

BRIAN

Wanda, God puts his disciples where they are for a reason.  He puts disciples at the university to witness to students.  He puts disciples over on the east side to witness to the folks in the ghetto.  He puts disciples downtown to witness to the people downtown.  And now he's put you in Lago Oeste to be a disciple to the folks in Lago Oeste.  You're toying with God's plan here Wanda!

WANDA

I'm sorry!  I didn't know.  

BRIAN

Well, it's allright.  Now we'll still take the check.  God does tell us to make lemonade when given lemons.  But I am gonna need you to buy a new wardrobe.  Let's hurry up and get you baptized.  Malls close at nine.  

SCENE XIX

Nighttime.  Jared and Claire are out in a field somewhere waiting on a spaceship from the planet Bil to arrive and carry them off to their new Utopian home.  Jared eagerly watches the sky.  

CLAIRE

Soooo....what time was the ship supposed-

JARED

Ralzian didn't say what time.

CLAIRE

Just checking.

Tick

Tick

Tick

CLAIRE(cont.)

And you're sure he said it was tonight?

JARED

Yes.

CLAIRE

Okay.  

Tick

Tick

Tick

JARED

Pointing to the sky

There!  What's that!

CLAIRE

That's a satellite.

JARED

Are you sure?

CLAIRE

Yes.

JARED

How do you know?  

CLAIRE

Well it doesn't appear to be getting closer to us, now does it?  

JARED

I guess not.  

CLAIRE

Maybe they're having a hard time finding the place.  It is kind of out of the way.  I hope Ralzian gave good directions.   

JARED

Is that more sarcasm?

CLAIRE

I hope they didn't try to take that shortcut at the big dipper.  I know that always screws me up.

JARED

Okay, that's enough.

CLAIRE

What?  

JARED

Your negativity could very well make them decide not to come get us.  You could ruin us all.

CLAIRE

Oh goodness no!  

JARED

See!  It's that attitude!

CLAIRE

Jared, look around.  All these other people in robes, they all believe the ship's coming too.  You're gonna tell me that if it doesn't come, you're gonna blame me?

JARED

Yes.

CLAIRE

So all of your belief wouldn't cancel me out?

JARED

I don't think it works that way.  I don't know.  

CLAIRE

What, Ralzian didn't explain that for you?  Where is your fearless leader anyway?  Shouldn't he be here?

JARED

He'll be here.  

CLAIRE

Oooh, maybe he has his own special spaceship.

JARED

Stop it!  Look, why don't you just leave.

CLAIRE

Getting out of her robe.

Fine!  I'll leave!

JARED

Yeah, you can leave the robe too!

CLAIRE

I'll hitchhike home in the dark!

JARED

I'll wave to you from the ship!

CLAIRE

Consider us officially broken up!

JARED

Fine!  I don't think you're really from Bil anyway.  

CLAIRE

Why don't you go fuck-

Bright lights, like from a van, blind the two of them.  Screams can be heard all around.  Before Claire or Jared can move, two black-clad figures emerge, throw bags over their heads, and drag them off.  

SCENE XX

The mall.  Wanda and James are walking together.  They have several shopping bags full of Wanda's new wardrobe.  Wanda's hair is still wet from her baptism.  

JAMES

So do you think this is enough yet?

WANDA

I guess so.  I really should get some earrings though.  

JAMES

Are you sure?  

WANDA

Well you heard what brother Brian said.  And I sold all mine.  Gosh, James, you're my brother now.  And I'm your sister.  That's so exciting.  

JAMES

Isn't it though?

WANDA

I feel so relieved to not be going to hell now.  I was this close to having a breakdown.  I thought I was going to have to get my doctor to write me a stronger prescription.   

JAMES

For what?  

WANDA

I mean, what if something had happened to me before I got baptized?  What if, on the way over to Brian's to be baptized I had been killed in a car accident?  Would I have gone to hell?  

JAMES

You know, I asked brother Brian that same question after I was baptized.

WANDA

What'd he say?

JAMES

He said that God probably wouldn't let that happen, but if he did, it's because he wanted you to go to hell.

WANDA

God wants people to go to hell?

JAMES

That's what he said.  

WANDA

Oh my.  That's so sad.

JAMES

One time, I was out trying to share my faith, and I tried to talk to this one guy, and he didn't speak English.  I couldn't communicate anything to him.  I asked brother Brian about it.  He said that if god wanted that guy to go to heaven, he'd send a disciple after him who could speak his language.  

WANDA

Well I certainly hope so.  James, I'm worried about my family.  They're going to hell.  

JAMES

Yeah, that's rough.  My mom's going to hell too.  

WANDA

Oh no!

JAMES

Yeah.  Brother Brian and Miss Tina said I shouldn't talk to her anymore.  Something about how we shouldn't be yolked together with unbelievers.  I don't remember how it goes.

WANDA

Your own mother?  

JAMES

Yeah.  She and I got in a big argument about the church after she came with me to service one time.  She tried to tell me they were some kind of cult!  

WANDA

That's ridiculous!  I think I'd know if someone was trying to control my mind.  

JAMES

That's what I said.  Anyway I asked Miss Tina about it and she said something about how the Bible says we shouldn't be yolked together with unbelievers.  I don't remember how it goes.  

WANDA

When's the last time you talked to her?

JAMES

About five months or so.  

WANDA

Am I going to have to leave my husband?

JAMES

I don't know.  Maybe.  

WANDA

I'm amazed he didn't leave me after I told him about all the times I cheated on him.  Such a forgiving, loving man.  

JAMES

I'll pray for them sister.

WANDA

Thank you James.  

JAMES

Would you still be able to live in Lago Oeste if you left your husband?

WANDA

I don't think so.  Why?

JAMES

Well, you heard what brother Brian said.  God wants you out there.  To witness to the rich people.  That's where you belong.  

WANDA

So I should stay with Henry?

JAMES

I think so.  Yeah.  I don't know.

WANDA

Following God is so confusing.

JAMES

It can be.  That's why we have people like brother Brian and Miss Tina.  To guide us and tell us what to do.  

WANDA

Amen.  

SCENE XXI

The next morning.  Henry has fallen asleep at his desk.  Papers shuffled everywhere.  Thomas enters followed by Ron Hordell.  

THOMAS

Rise and shine, Walters!  Rise and shine!  

HENRY

Startled awake

The product!  Thomas!  Jesus!  I fell asleep.  Oh Christ, phase six.  They called me, we were fixing it-

THOMAS

Walters, relax, my man.  

HENRY

No, they called me last night, phase six.  What time is it?  

RON

Seven twenty-five A.M.

HENRY

Oh my god, the bugs!  We found all these bugs!  The product-!

THOMAS

Henry.  It's taken care of.  

HENRY

But phase six?

THOMAS

Forget phase six Henry.  Forget the whole goddamn thing.  The project's been cancelled.  

HENRY

But-

THOMAS

Yeah, client decided to go with Digiderm.

HENRY

Nearly in tears

Digiderm?  Oh my god.  I failed.

Cries the tears of a middle-aged white man who has tasted the dream and then watched it slip away.

THOMAS

I told you he'd take it hard.  

RON

Like a true company man.  

THOMAS

That is a man devoted to his employer.

RON

Devoted entirely.  

THOMAS

One-hundred percent.

RON

It's a beautiful thing.  

THOMAS

I told you, he's our man.

RON

He's our man.

THOMAS

Walters?  Walters?  Henry Walters?

HENRY

I failed.

THOMAS

Failed shmailed!  Would you listen to this guy?

HENRY

The product, the deadline.  

More bawling.  

I can't believe they decided to go with Digiderm!

THOMAS

Walters, look at me.  Look at me.  

Henry looks at him.

THOMAS(cont.)

Walters, I'm gonna need you to pack your things.

HENRY

Oh god!

THOMAS

I'm gonna need you to pack your things so we can move 'em into a bigger office!  

Henry is shocked.  Ron and Thomas laugh like the jocks who just pulled a fast one on the nerdy kid who does their homework for them.  

HENRY

You mean I'm not fired?  But the project--?

RON

Did you see his face?

THOMAS

I thought he was gonna wet his pants!  

RON

You had him going there for a second!

THOMAS

I sure did, didn't I Walters?

HENRY

Uh, you sure did sir!  

RON

Maybe you should tell him.

THOMAS

You think?

RON

Before he has a heart attack.  Been known to happen.

THOMAS

Don't I know it!

HENRY

Sir, I don't understand.

THOMAS

Of course you don't Walters.  I haven't told you yet.  

RON

You probably oughtta tell him.  

THOMAS

Walters, your project is cancelled, the client's chosen Digiderm, and it's a beautiful day.  Do you know why?  Do you know why it is such a beautiful goddamn day in spite of the fact that the client has chosen the competition over the company that you work for?  

HENRY

Well, I, actually I-

THOMAS

Because you now work for the competition!  Digiderm bought us out!  

Thomas and Ron laugh maniacally.  The news of the merger sinks into Henry's skin.  

HENRY

Digiderm bought us out?  

THOMAS

Bought us out!  We work for Digiderm now!  Isn't that great!  

HENRY

That's...so I'm not fired?  

THOMAS

Hell no, you're not fired.  We've got ourselves a real workhorse in you Henry.  

RON

Be a shame to lose somebody so valuable.  

THOMAS

So loyal.

RON

Somebody who knows the meaning of the word “employee.”

THOMAS

Henry, I'd like you to meet Ron Hordell.

They shake hands.

RON

Great to meet you Henry.  

HENRY

You too sir.

THOMAS

Ron is one of the new partners joining us as a result of this merger.  He's Digiderm's man stateside in charge of overseas production.  

HENRY

Overseas production?

THOMAS

That's right!  They've already got factories in Singapore, Thailand, Mexico, Malaysia, shit, damn near everywhere!  Cuts the labor costs down to pocket change.  

RON

Make it cheap, sell it high.  

THOMAS

That's how you rake it in.

RON

You just can't argue with profit like that.  

THOMAS

What more is there to say?  

RON

Big profits.  End of story.  

THOMAS

Walters, you are going to be working directly under Mr. Hordell here.  You are going to be our eyes and ears here on all of our overseas production.  This is big Henry.  Huge.  Are you up to it?

HENRY

Yes sir!  Thank you sir!  This means so much to me!

THOMAS

Well, I knew if we dangled that carrot in your face long enough, you'd eventually jump out there and bite into it.  

HENRY

I'm honored to bite into any carrot you dangle for me sir.  

THOMAS

Good man, good man.  Congratulations Walters.  This is quite a jump.  Why don't you take the rest of the day off.  Go home, see that gorgeous wife of yours.  Be sure to tell her I said hello.  I'll be in Amsterdam for the next few days but you know how to reach me.

Thomas and Ron exit.  

HENRY

Yes sir!  Don't worry, I won't let you down!

SCENE XXII

Split stage.  Wanda is at home.  Henry comes in. Wanda and Henry embrace.  On the other side, Claire and Jared are working feverishly on some sort of production line.  Behind them is a sign written mostly in a foreign language, but in the middle of this in clear English it says “DIGIDERM.”  

THE END