BAKA GAIJIN

Characters:

Maya (early 20s, a little woo-woo),

Thea (early 20s, cynical and a bit abrasive)

Big Louie (40ish, Asian, a fast talker, heavy accent)

Open. Maya and Thea are barely making their way through the jungle of an unnamed (and conglomerated) Asian country. Maya leads. Thea trails swatting away skeeters They are trudging as it is very boggy..

MAYA

It’s okay…tigers can take the heat.

THEA

What?

MAYA

I said tigers can take the heat.

THEA

(stops) What the fuck is that suppose to mean? Who said anything about tigers? Are there tigers here. Because I swear to god—

MAYA

I meant that even tigers can take the heat, and…so we should be ok.

Beat (THEA just stares at her, because that is a totally dumb thing to say and makes no sense)

MAYA

Well, because…you know… tigers can’t sweat, except through their paws…so we have that going for us….did you know tigers have to pant like dogs.

THEA

No, I didn’t, Maya. Thank you for that enlightening factoid. I’ll be sure to write that in my diary tonight…right under the heading “My Complete Day of Ass Fuckery”. That’s assuming we make it out of here alive.

MAYA

Relax. I know where we’re going. And it’s not all that bad. You gotta just sit back and take it all in, Thea. It may not be all that pleasant, but you’ll really appreciate the adventure afterwards.

THEA

Yeah…that’s just fucking great, Maya. My twat is less humid than this place. (swatting a mass of bugs). And where the hell are all these damn bugs coming from?

MAYA

Do you want some more bug repellent?

THEA

No, that seems to just piss them off. How much further is it anyway?

MAYA

(pulls out a map) Well, the guy at the hotel said it was about a mile off the road…I think this way? No wait…is this way east? Now, we turned left at the last sign post…so that means we should walk head…assuming that’s east. (looks up at the sky)…and the sun rises in the east, so…oh wait. (points) That’s the path.

THEA

That’s a bog.

MAYA

No, I got it, I got it (studying the map some more)

THEA

(plops down and pulls out a cigarette). This is great. I could be in a classy bar right now drinking a mai tai and discussing Kurosawa or Miyozuki with some collegiate hunk fresh from the beach…all golden and glistening…rippling muscles (takes a long slow drag). But instead, we’re going to sink in a bog, never to be seen again…until archeologists pull our mummified bodies from the mud a thousand years from now and put us on display in the British Museum. (takes another drag). And that’s so lame. What a dinky way to die.

MAYA

Well, I didn’t come here to sit in some Western bar, drinking Western cocktails and hanging out with a bunch of stupid frat boys. What’s the point of traveling if you don’t venture out from the comforts of home, you know. I want to get away from the maddening tourist traps. I want to go where the locals go, eat what they eat, see what they see. I want to soak it all up, you know?

THEA

Well…(wringing out the end of her shirt) we’ve accomplished soaking.

MAYA

I promise you, the concierge said it’s the best curry in the whole region.

THEA

At this point, I just want a beer and a dry pair of socks.

MAYA

(helps her up) Come on, it’s not far. I’ll even buy the beer. Mmmm…I can’t wait. Some old caf© out in the forest where only the locals go…no prepackaged food. All fresh. With local brew. Traditional d©cor. Oh, and music. Incense burning…mingling with the smell of the rain and the earth. It’s going to be such a spiritual experience.

THEA

It’s a restaurant, Maya, not a shrine.

MAYA

I know, but it’ll be so cool.

THEA

Yeah, I’ve read A Thousand Bowls of Rice, and you know what, everybody dies in the end.

MAYA

Wait, I see something.

THEA

Oh please, please be a bar…God, Allah, Buddha, whoever.

They stumble upon what looks like a run down shack. No one is around.

MAYA

Do you think this is it?

THEA

I’m assuming so.

MAYA

I think the name of the place is supposed to be (stumbling) Rig Lou Lee? What does the sign say?

THEA

Well…gee, Maya. I don’t know. I must’ve left my bilingual contact lenses back at the hotel. I say we go in.

MAYA

But I don’t want to disturb someone if it’s the wrong place. What if it’s private property?

THEA

Then they’ll say so. Or look angry and yell gobblety gook at us, whatever.

They walk up to the door. MAYA tentatively knocks. No one answers. There is yelling off stage in a foreign language. And I don’t mean to be insulting to Asians, but just make it sound foreign asianesque. It’s not suppose to make sense. I’m writing random words read off of Chinese menus and manga books. If you have any questions about pronunciation, just ask.

MAYA

I don’t know. Maybe we should go.

THEA

Smells like food. (opens the door).

MAYA

Thea!

THEA

(enters) Hello. Salut. Entre nous.

The place is, well, a dump. A beer sign, random trinkets and junk lying around. There is also a table with two chairs. Big Louie walks on stage wearing a bloody butcher coat and smoking a cigarette.

BIG LOUIE

(Really theatrical). Tsing Tao ma? Kuru fou?

MAYA

Excuse us, we’re looking for (checks paper) Rig Lao Lee?

BIG LOUIE

Rig Lao Lee. (beat) Oh, Big Louie. Yes, yes. Me Louie.

MAYA

What?

BIG LOUIE

You pretty lady, look for Big Louie. I Louie. What I do for pretty ladies. You want buy shop?

MAYA

No, we’re looking for a restaurant.

BIG LOUIE

You come buy Louie treasures. I give you good price. Nice detail. Look, look. (picks up weird crap). For you, five dollars. Good work. Louie only sell best. You like.

MAYA

Oh…yes, very nice, but we’re looking for—

BIG LOUIE

I have better for you, pretty ladies. You like this. Louie give special price. (shows them more weird crap). See here…you rub the belly bring you luck. You rub head, it bring you love. You put in your bedroom. Yes?

MAYA

Do you serve food—

BIG LOUIE

Oh, have just thing for you. (brings out a paper umbrella). Keep rain off head. You buy. Good deal. I sale for five dollar, but for you, I sell three dollar.

MAYA

Um…sure. I guess.

THEA

Is this a caf© or not?

BIG LOUIE

Pa?

MAYA

(looks in here phrase book) Um…Nee Oong…Sali…um Caf©?

BIG LOUIE

Nee Oong Sali Caf©!?

THEA

(makes eating motion) Eat here. Food. Nosh. Grub. You have?

BIG LOUIE

Oh…yes, yes…eat, eat. You come in. Sit down.

BIG LOUIE moves junk off an old table. Picks a cloth off the floor and spreads it on the table. MAYA and THEA look at the table and then BIG LOUIE questionably…as they should. Ewww.

THEA

(a la Betty Davis) What a dump.

MAYA

Shhhh…it’s just rustic.

THEA

(they sit) No, rustic is the new fall line from Pottery Barn. This is third world meets post-apocalypse.

BIG LOUIE

So. You American, ne?

MAYA

Yes.

BIG LOUIE

Oh, G.I. Joe buddy. Big Louie, he take care pretty Joe ladies. Cook big meal. Bellies full, won’t fit through door. Ha, ha, ha.

THEA

You’ll wash your hands first, right?

BIG LOUIE

Pa?

MAYA

Thea!

BIG LOUIE

You fresh Mee Crau. Very tender. Give you long life. Yes, yes. Fugi yao sa? Nee?

THEA

What the fuck did he say?

MAYA

Jesus, Thea…he’s standing right there.

THEA

I don’t think it matters as long as you keep smiling and use words more than two syllables. Monsieur, Following a thorough disinfection of your dining facilities and a divestment of current unhygienic garments, we request your finest petit syrah with quails in burgandy sauce as an apertif,… ne?

BIG LOUIE

Oh, yes, yes. Good meal for pretty Joe ladies. You like. You like. (shouting off stage to a cook) Ching gao muyo haku, muromowno fugi! (too MAYA and THEA) You drink?

MAYA

Water, please.

THEA

An ale if you have it, or lager, thank you.

BIG LOUIE

Eh…Aaol?

THEA

B-e-e-r.

BIG LOUIE

Ah, yes. Beer. Very nice. You like. Good beer for Joe ladies. Top notch. Louie only have best quality (he walks off stage).

MAYA

Not really what I had pictured.

THEA

Better than the bog. So, where are the menus?

BIG LOUIE walks back to the caf©. Places a beer before THEA and a glass of something that looks like anything but water in front of MAYA.

BIG LOUIE

Cook be good to you, yes. Good meal for joes.

THEA

(taking a swig of beer, makes a face). Mmm…warm mystery liquid. Eh. (continues drinking).

MAYA

Um…actually I wanted water.

BIG LOUIE

Pa?

MAYA

W-a-t-e-r. Uh…(looks in the phrase book)…Haosu?

BIG LOUIE

Ah, yes. Haosu (indicating glass).

MAYA

Oh. Actually, could I get a mineral water? In a bottle? Uh…(looks at her phrase book) Ruyi Haosu?

BIG LOUIE

Oh, yes. Ruyi Haosu benwa? (makes some weird gesture)

MAYA

Sure.

BIG LOUIE

Yes, yes. (ducks away again).

MAYA

How’s the beer?

THEA

Better than the water.

BIG LOUIE returns with a bottle of whiskey and places it before MAYA.

BIG LOUIE

Ruyi Haosu for Joe lady.

MAYA

No, I actually—

THEA

I’d stick with anything that doubles as a disinfectant, Maya.

MAYA

(to BIG LOUIE) Uh…thank you.

BIG LOUIE

Big Louie get meal for you. Very good. You like. Fresh this morning. (leaves the room).

THEA

We didn’t even see the menu.

MAYA

I don’t think you’re suppose to.

THEA

Well, that sucks.

MAYA

No, they probably have a special of the day that they make. That’s why people come to these places.

THEA

What people, Maya? Do you see any other people. I think that is a sign.

MAYA

It’s still early.

BIG LOUIE returns wearing a haori (the cheesy prop coat with all the kanji)

BIG LOUIE

Here for pretty ladies. Louie promise good meal. Full bellies. Very happy.

BIG LOUIE plops down a huge fish infront of them. Mmm. Yum.

MAYA

Oh my God.

THEA

I thought this was suppose to be a curry house.

MAYA

Uh…it’s…very big.

BIG LOUIE

Just for you. Best in house for pretty joe ladies.

THEA

(poking fish with chopsticks) Hmmm…me thinks tis too big for my chopsticks.

As THEA pokes the fish, it twitches. MAYA and THEA jump back with a yelp.

BIG LOUIE

See, Big Louie no lie. Fresh catch, ne. Ha, ha, ha.

THEA

It’s still fucking alive.

MAYA

I guess it’s there custom.

THEA

Well, I don’t want to eat a custom, Maya, I want real food…as in real dead.

BIG LOUIE

You like, pretty ladies?

MAYA

Actually…could we have it…not so…you know… (she makes twitching motion).

BIG LOUIE

Oh, yes…for you I do. (He takes the fish by the tail and smacks it across the table and places back on the plate before a very shocked MAYA and THEA). There you go, good fish for pretty ladies. Louie bring back chili sauce. You like, very spicy.

BIG LOUIE exits.

THEA

So, everything you expected, dear?

MAYA

Well….not really.

THEA

Then we agree. This place sucks. Let’s get outta here.

MAYA

But I…ok. Fine. But we have to pay.

THEA

Put the money on the table and lets run for it (she stands up to leave).

BIG LOUIE enters and sees them leaving.

BIG LOUIE

You go? Why you go? No eat big meal yet.

THEA

Yea, well…we hate to not eat and run, but—

BIG LOUIE

Joes not happy with drinks? Big Louie bring new drinks. Top quality. Only for very important customers.

MAYA

Thank you, but we’re just going to go. No offense.

BIG LOUIE

Joes not happy. What can Big Louie do for Joe ladies? You want little meal before big meal? Louie give free.

MAYA

Oh..thank you, but we’re not hungry.

BIG LOUIE

Oh, (slapping himself on the head) Bah Tsu ne wa lao faka buso! Big Louie fail you. Nee ka dei sou xiang tao wa!

MAYA

No, no…it’s not you, it’s us.

THEA

That’s right. Make the break up gentle, ask if you can still be friends so we can get the fuck outta here.

MAYA

It’s just that…well…we’re looking for a more “cultural experience”.

BIG LOUIE

Pa? Co-chu-raa spira?

MAYA

(slower and louder) Cultural experience. Music. Theatre. Food.

BIG LOUIE

Oh, Joes like music. Sit, sit. Big Louie sing for you.

MAYA

No, that’s—

BIG LOUIE insistently pushes them back down into their seats.

BIG LOUIE

(off stage to cook) Sawa nee hai domma! (too MAYA and THEA). Pretty ladies eat, and Louie entertain.

BIG LOUIE picks up a harp and gently plucks. Bongo drums are heard off stage. Very simple, if off tune music. Could be worse. MAYA and THEA are a little dumb struck and uncomfortably pick at their food. After a few beats, BIG LOUIE begins to softly sing out of tune to his out of tune music.

BIG LOUIE

(softly, high pitched) Gee na eee. Vu lao mu. Tsing dao fu Manchu.

As he continues, the sings and music gets louder and louder, and subsequently worse and worse.

BIG LOUIE

(a little louder) Aso mai oolou ma chee. Chang oniwaban baku fu!

This continues, getting louder and more irritating.

BIG LOUIE

(louder) Suzi wong chou. Fugi Bruce Lee.

And finally in culminates…

BIG LOUIE

(belting) Oh Mandy! You came and you stop me a shaking. But you walk out that door—

THEA

(drops chopsticks) That’s it. I’m outta here.

BIG LOUIE

No, Big Louie very bad. Must apologize. Please no go.

MAYA

No, it’s ok. It’s just—we’re

THEA

This place sucks and we’re leaving.

MAYA

No, she doesn’t mean it that way, she—

BIG LOUIE

(very emotional) Big Louie failure. Most dishonorable. You first customers in long time. So ashamed.

MAYA

No, please don’t be upset. The food was good. It was. We’re just not hungry.

BIG LOUIE

Oh, baka, baka, no fou ishi xiang tao! Most shameful of me.

THEA

Dude. Chill.

MAYA

Shut up, Thea. (to BIG LOUIE) No, it’s ok. Please don’t cry.

BIG LOUIE

Only one thing Louie do to restore honor to ancestors.

BIG LOUIE dramatically reaches for katana, unsheathing it in a most professional and serious fashion. His demeanor is now very ritualistic and dramatic and his voice deeper. This makes MAYA and THEA scream.

THEA

Holy fucking shit!

MAYA

What are you doing?!

BIG LOUIE

Louie make good his shame. Next life come back strong.

THEA

Jesus Christ, he’s going to commit Sefu…seki…sepia…he’s going to fucking kill himself.

MAYA

Please, Big Louie. It’s not worth it.

BIG LOUIE is kneeling, ritualistically chanting as he prepares to disembowel himself with the blade Much kabuki-esque fanfare In fact, I imagine the bongo drums from off stage beating to the chanting. Yea, lets do that..

MAYA

(to THEA) Do something, Thea?

THEA

Me. What am I suppose to do! Call a fucking hotline!?

MAYA

Louie, the food was good.

THEA

Yea, Very good.

MAYA

We love it. We’ll pay you.

BIG LOUIE

No, it bring shame to pay for bad meal. Louie must cleanse his soul for such failure (continues his chanting and seppuku ritual).

THEA

(pulling out her wallet) Here, take this. Is this enough?

MAYA

(pulling out here purse) I have some too. Please, take the money.

THEA

Here, take some more.

MAYA

Here’s extra. You can buy some advertising.

THEA

You can buy some Xanex.

BIG LOUIE

(making to stab himself, speaking in long, deep tones) Hiro kuze…ak suk zen!

As BIG LOUIE stabs himself, MAYA and THEA run from the building … because seeing a suicide is just gross. You’d run away too…unless you like that sort of thing. You do, don’t you?. That’s sick. Your sick. Anyway, as MAYA and THEA run from the building, BIG LOUIE cannot contain his laughter. He’s laughing so hard he has to put down the sword to steady himself. He shakes his head.

BIG LOUIE

Ai ya. Stupid Americans. (picks up the great wads of cash and counts it) Works every time. Ooo…Louie is shamed. Must restore honor to Ancestors. (laughing uproariously as he walks off stage).

MAYA and THEA are standing out in the rain, not really shelter by the tiny umbrella.

THEA

Oh yes, local culture is great.

MAYA

Shut up, Thea.

THEA

What a great vacation this has been.

MAYA

Shut up, Thea.

THEA

Wait until I tell my grandchildren about this someday.

MAYA

Shut up, Thea.

THEA

Oh, Nana, tell us the story about the disemboweling again.

MAYA

I said shut up, Te.

THEA begins to pull out a cigarette, but the pack is empty.

THEA

Man, what a fucking jip. I should have stayed home and masturbated.

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