So this whole Ted Haggard thing has brought up some interesting thoughts for me. As most of my readers will know someone close to me deals with many of the same issues, so I can’t just take this as some sort of victory for the good guys. Although, I can’t feel too much sympathy for him either.
It feels to me like building you house on the sand. I can’t say that people shouldn’t be allowed to stay in the closet if that’s their desire in life, but why build out the infrastructure? You have the wife and kids and religious ministry and it’s all teetering on this incredibly unbalanced fulcrum of sexuality. It’s pretty easy to pretend to be a single person who just appears to be celebate. It’s much harder to pretend to be a faithful parent.
And what is up with the women in these situations? It’s not enough that you’re staying with a man who is not really interested in you. But when he cheats on you, you just suck it up to him struggling with homosexuality? C’mon! If it was a straight dalliance you would have kicked him to the curb. We’ve built up this cult of martyrdom in churches over this issue. It’s like some sort of bizarro Martha Stewart homemaking project. “After we finish weaving these pillow cases from our own goat hair yarn, I’ll give you tips on keeping your husband straight.” Granted most of them probably didn’t enter into the relationship knowing it was built on lies (and more than likely the actual relationship is probably pretty good which is why they stay in it), but I could have married hundreds of people if all I was looking for was someone to hang out with and have enjoyable conversation.
I guess this is why the issue of gay marriage is so devisive. Would it end normal marriage as we know it? Not a chance. Would it end a lot of normal marriages? Yes, absolutely. Because if you can have a relationship with someone you’re attracted to. And not have to worry about keeping the kids. Well would it even be a question? I can’t help but think these gay marriage bans are a last ditch effort for a lot of people to keep their marriages together. That’s why it’s such an emotional debate. Especially as boomers are starting to have their kids leave the house and are looking at each other. Looking up from the dust and chaos of raising children and trying to decide what next. And looking at their partner and questioning what was this marriage built on in the first place?
2006-11-06T18:16:20.000Z
I think there’s another factor at play with the gay marriage issue, and that is the deep down conviction held by many in the right-wing Christian community that homosexuality is a sin. I can’t be sure because I’m not a mindreader, but I’m guessing that Mr. Haggard, in spite of everything, probably still considers his homosexuality to be an abomination. Notice I don’t say that this view is held by all in the Christian community, but that’s easy to forget sometimes. I obviously don’t have the perspective you do, but I honestly don’t think that legalizing gay marriage is going to end the trend of closeted homosexuals entering into heterosexual marriages. Gay marriage should absolutely be legalized for a variety of other reasons, but there will still be those who are convinced, based on their religious upbringing, that homosexuality is condemned behaviour, to be resisted at all costs, no matter what laws the state passes.
2006-11-06T18:29:37.000Z
I think the “homesexuality is a sin” meme is dying though. And I’m still trying to figure out the bigger picture of it. Because, I don’t truly believe that people don’t do things just because they believe God thinks it’s wrong (speeding, coveting, masturbating). But at the same time that doesn’t really rationalize why you’d go the other way and marry someone you’re not attracted to. It’s like instead of driving the speed limit, constantly driving 10mph under because you believe God doesn’t want you to speed. It’s that overcompensation to avoid the sin that I find compelling and that I really can’t attribute to religious beliefs.
I wonder sometimes if perhaps the closeted man getting married and having children is built into our American self-made man mythos. As though perhaps in much the same way that you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps out of poverty, you can overcome your sexual desires and have your idealized Norman Rockwell family.
I don’t honestly have any more insight into this than anyone else. I just probably think about it more than most.
BeanBean
2006-11-06T23:26:53.000Z
I think a lot of it has to do with fear of ostracism (I have got to start using words I am sure I can spell). If people truly beleive in their God etc, and want to have that fellowship, but those people say they are sinners, they are a bit religously homeless. I am facing the opposite problem here looking for a church. I can’t bear to go to a church that preaches against homosexuality, but the churches that embrace it are not always centered in the other tenets I hold dear. And then there is always the fear of being violently victimized, physically or emotionally for coming out. I think our generation is much better, but it only takes one or two stories to terrify someone. I was watching something on Independent Lens(one of my favorite shows on PBS) about Sesame Street around the world (fascinating if you can catch it). But anyway, they have two shows in Kosovo, one Christian and one Muslim. It was almost impossible to have the two groups in the same room to plan the shows live-action component, but both parties agreed that althought they would not change, they wanted their children and children’s children to perhaps be little more open and try to start again. That makes me think of this. I also think that there is the element of heterosexual marriage as a club that had to be joined, and there may be a bit of bitterness that they had to do it, so should others. They had to die to that bit of themselves, why should someone else get to live in such a real way. Jealously is rough… So that a lot of ramblings, but you made me think…
2006-11-07T23:12:40.000Z
I’ve been thinking a lot about what you wrote and also about Travis’ comments. I agree that perhaps part of what makes this such an emotional issue is not so much the people who would not go into a heterosexual marriage in the first place, but rather those who might feel more free to leave one they’re in already. I hadn’t thought about it that way before. I must say that I agree that it’s also largely a result of religious and societal views on homosexuality. Don’t discount how much guilt and shame there still is in this society. I think there is less than there has been in the past, but in various circles, it is still quite possibly the worst thing you can do (since it’s all behavior and sin, sin, SIN). It’s okay to get a divorce but god forbid you should have any kind of gay interactions. Can you tell how I feel about this? As for the women involved, there’s a lot of pressure to be the force smoothing over your man’s brutish nature. And if you consider homosexuality (i.e. the behavior) just another aspect of his wild sexuality, his straying from you is your fault as the wife. Of course, he is the spiritual head of the household, but the wife is the deciding factor in the success of the marriage. I realize that this is illogical, but this is pretty much the message I’ve gotten for many years.
2006-11-07T23:23:33.000Z
I just read BeanBean’s response. I think that jealousy is probably a big part of it. And also, how do you admit that you may have made the wrong choice in choosing to live a closeted life in a heterosexual relatioship. Does it mean that your life was wasted if you support someone else’s right to marry their first choice? I also struggle with the church-homosexuality issue. My church of choice says that the state of being homosexual isn’t sinful, it’s just the behavior that’s disordered. Speaking of things that are illogical. But at least it seems like a step in the right direction. And locally, my parish is very accepting of gay couples, including those raising children together. I was very proud to see listings of parishioners as M/M Bob and Jim Smith. It’s not perfect, but it’s the most good things versus the least of the bad things that I’ve been able to find for me personally.
Mindy
2006-11-09T14:51:34.000Z
You make a good point, Kate, re: the woman’s role in a marriage. I get the same message that you have. It seems in both work and family life, if Seth says or does something particularly stupid, the offended parties come to me for restitution. The same could be true for a spouse whose offense is more serious than simply having a big mouth. In a country where women enjoy more personal freedom than anyplace else, it’s a conflicting message. I suppose that as wives, we represent the end result of a man’s sexual preference. When that preference is not as advertised, I think society puts pressure on the woman left behind to account for the discrepancy. And now, if you will excuse a cultural anthropologist her daily rant: The American definition of marriage is so culturally limited, there is no way that any of us can live up to the ideal image. (gay, straight, cohabitating or otherwise)I think we are setting ourselves up for failure, especially if we allow elected officials to define (read:control) our private lives. (end rant)
Ahh, church drama. I’ve done so much over the years. This past Sunday Julie and I played Mary and Joseph with Stella filling in the role of baby Jesus. Gender rolls not withstanding it was a fine piece of church drama. I had one whole line. But I guess you could call this Stella’s acting debut.
