TO THE PARENTS OF THE FOLLOWING CHILDREN:

I’ve been working on your kids’ horrid, mind-numbing, hair-pulling workers’ comp cases, and I cannot help but notice the direct correlation between the asinine spelling of their names and teh fact that they are total fucking morons!  I don’t blame them, I blame you.  If I had a time machine, I would use it to hunt you down and beat your crotches with a baseball bat until every last demon seed was demolished.  But I don’t have a time machine, so you must all proceed in an orderly manner to the incinerator:

1.  Cortkne (Courtney).  Obviously this was a pathetic attempt at creativity.  Maybe if little Cortkne has a unique spelling to her name, she’d be inspired to move out of Asscrack, Texas and eventually graduate from Lu-Lu’s School of Beauty-Full Hair.  Wrong!  She’s just a 40-year-old chicken plucker with a bad case of tenosynovitis.  You took something nice and made it ugly.  You may now go to the incinerator.

2. Phranc (Frank).  What is this?…Fucking France?  Of course not, and you know why…because even the French don’t use such fuckin’ gay ass spelling.  Jesus Tap-Dancin’ Christ!  Please proceed to the incinerator immediately, adn on your way, I want you to think long and hard about why the fruit of your loins is on more anti-depressives than Margo Kidder.

3.  O’leevia (Olivia).  When you pronounce this name as it is written, it makes you sound retarded, which means that every time this poor child had to announce herself people probably thought she was retarded too.  That’s why she’s been a shelf stocker at the Dollar Store for the past 13 freakin’ years.  Is this child retarded?  Because unless you are Helen Keller, there is no reason for such a blatant butchery of the name Olivia.  And don’t even get me started on that apostrophe.  Get your ass to the incinerator!

4.  Yujean (Eugene) - This isn’t such a bad name…if your child is a pygmy goat!  Granted, the anesthetics used for childbirth will knock your ass out, but most states give you several days to complete teh birth certificate.  You just got lazy…and fucking moronic…much like your goat-boy son who managed to drive a nail into his brain while looking down the barrel of a pneumatic hammer.  Make a mental note for the next life that there are educated doctors and nurses in the maternity ward who will gladly correct your dumb ass spelling.  In the meantime, the incinerator awaits you.

5.  Emelee (Emily).  Let me guess, you let Grover and Big Bird name your kid?  What the fuck?  Were you five years old when you squeezed out this puppy?  Was “e” the letter of the day?  Teh complete lack of maturity used to name your daughter makes me think that you’re probably still capable of shootin’ out more dim witted progeny to mess up the Nation’s phenotype, so remove your DNA from the gene pool ASAP!  Please follow the signs to your nearest incinerator.

6.  Cerrah (Sarah).  I’m getting a vision…yes, you are a fat fuckin’ moo-moo wearin’, bon-bon eatin’ housewife who had her baby on teh toilet because she didn’t even know she was pregnant.  But where are my manners…you’re a cultured individual.  Yeah, because you read ass-wipe novels with “Love” or “Passion” on the cover and a picture of a gravity defying heroine clutched in the loins of some sweaty Fabio in the wild, untamed lands of Zuladoolabambwe, right?  Was the bimbo’s name CERRAH!  Don’t lie to me!  It’s a cheap looking name from a cheap book and your cheap ass daughter wants disability for a fuckin’ papercut.  I think both of you need to shuffle your spandexed asses to the incinerator now.

7.  Gohnny (Johnny…yeah, this one took awhile).   Seriously…Gohnny?  Does anyone ever pronounce it correctly the first time?  Why not Gianni?  At least the Italian’s can vouch for you then.  But Gohnny?  It looks like a euphemism for gonorrhea.  It makes me think of something I’d hear in a dirty limerick:  “There once was a sailor named Ronnie, who met a French whore named Connie, their talk was discrete, her rates were quite cheap, and not he’s got a case of the Gohnny.”  YOU NAMED YOUR KID AFTER A VENEREAL DISEASE, YOU SICK FUCKS!  Proceed directly to the incinerator.  Do not pass Go!  Do not collect $200!