I love my katana.  Ever since I started wearing a katana wherever I go, people have stopped fucking with me.  I’m not suggesting that the fucking-with-me factor was so excessively high to warrant the katana, it was just damn annoying and I wanted to nip it in the bud.  Plus, I think katanas rock.  It’s nothing too fancy, just something I can slip into my belt, elegant enough to accessorize with basic black, yet not too flashy for jeans and a t-shirt.  And I got it for a steal on E-bay because it supposedly has some sort of blood-thirst revenge curse of the frog monk Hatsunabi…or some shit like that, I wasn’t really paying attention.  Go me!

So this whole katana thing has totally changed my life.  I wear it everywhere: work, home, gym, library, Kwik-E-Mart.  I really dig my personal space, and the five to six feet people are giving me now is truly refreshing.  And that’s not all.  Ever since I started wearing the katana, those fuckers at Taco Bell haven’t “accidentally” given me a Dr. Pepper when I asked for a Diet Pepsi.  The Mormons suddenly stopped knocking on my door every freakin’ Saturday morning.  Even the Pixie Stix Mullet Man at Oltorf and Lamar hasn’t harrassed me to buy a giant stick of neon sugar to keep his poor ass off drugs.  Yep, life has been so much more peaceful and quiet since I got my katana. 

I’ll admit that occasionally I run across a testy frat boy who is not initially intimidated by the katana, but I found that shouting a string of foreign words like “HITSEN MITSURGI RYU NO ORIGAMI SUSHI GEORGE TAKAI!” if fairly effective at making just about anyone take a giant step in the opposite direction.  The trick was learning how to make my voice sound all deep and shit and echo across the hills without an excessive use of sound equipment.  It’s made me give serious thought to starting my own school of katana style.  I just hope I never actually have to use the katana on anyone, as I don’t have a real knack for that whole defying gravity thing.

“YAMAHA WASABI FUGU FUGU ISUZU!”

There is one small drawback to carrying around a katana all the time…all those damn pesky ninjas.  To make matters worse, the homeowners association where I live got the moronic notion to put in a bamboo grotto along the fence line, and now we’re totally infested with ninjas.  It’s really unnerving to be taking garbage out to the dumpster and have ninjas swarm you.  I even went to Walgreen’s the other day to see if they had some ninja repellant I could spray on before going outside, but they wanted $8.95 for this incredibly small bottle of Ninja-Off.  What the hell?  I have a real problem shelling out that kind of money just because it’s SC Johnson Wax.  I asked if they had a store brand for half the price, but all they had was Android-Be-Gone.  My only other option was this organic “made from natural plant extracts” bullshit, and I’m not falling for that again…not after that incident with the Yeti.  The guy at the pharmacy counter suggested that I try wearing light-colored clothing and tuck my pants into my shoes.  Whatever.  I’ll just stick to looking cool while swinging my katana at them.

“HITSEN MITSUBISHI NOKIA OBI-WAN!”