Earlier this week the world lost a memorable Australian caricature named Steve Irwin in a truly bizarre accident.  I’ve never really participated in the Steve Irwin phenomenon, having been more of a Jeff Corwin fan, but I found myself strangely saddened by this news.  Despite some of his more irritating quirks, I always regarded him as I would a crazy backwater cousin, charming and amusing even if a bit gorky. 

Mr. Irwin did some risky (yes, even down right stupid) stunts.  And while I rather not speak so personally on behalf of someone I didn’t know beyond the boob-tube, I’d vouch that the man understood the risks and the potential consequences.  They all know the risks: the daredevils, adventurers, and civil servants of the world.  Unfortunately, people are more incline to berate and admonish the daredevil only upon his/her untimely demise. C’est la Vie.  C’est la Mort.  So let it not go unstated, Steve Irwin was not just a boisterous stuntman/obnoxious idiot.  He was a passionate conservationist who used his global notoriety to educate and stir an equal passion for the environment to his viewers. In addition to documenting and promoting animal welfare, Mr. Irwin campaigned for the protection of endanger species and land preservation, using monies earned from his celebrity to buy tracts of land for wildlife reserves in Australia, Fiji and the United States.  He was, at heart, a naturalist, wherein no creature on this earth is ugly, worthless, or dispensable.  Not even those goddamn fuckin’ stingrays.  I never thought I’d actually say this, but I’m going miss those ear-bleeding “crikeys!” of his. 

It should also be noted for the record that Mr. Irwin had his own twisted sense of humor.  He named his kids after his frickin’ dogs, for Christ’s sake!  So keeping that in mind, and for all the reasons and defenses given above, I have absolutely no shame in making the following statement:

So Steve Irwin walks into a barb... 

*ba-dump-bomp-ching*

Thank you, good night!

So to my admirers, both present and future,...Peace.  And as soon as I have five minutes to myself, I shall provide an update that you shan't forget.

...Unless there's something really good on TV.

Marriage: Congratulations on your marriage, may you enjoy many happy years together.

New Job: Congratulations and good luck on this exciting new path in your life.

Baby: Congratulations on your new addition, may he/she fill your house with joy.

Funeral: My condolences for your loss. May you find comfort in friends and family during this time of grief.

You get the picture. If it was actually someone I cared about, I'd get him or her my own card and write out something a little less cardboard. Yet, my apathy has just caused a rather embarrassing predicament involving synchronized cards circulating about the office. One is for "Barbara", who is leaving FOL for a better paying, less degrading job with the Attorney General's office. The other is for "Lisa", who just lost her father after a long illness.

I think it is unwise to use blank cards with generic, vaguely attributable scenery on the front...and I think it is even more unwise to not label these cards appropriately, because what I wrote was, "Congratulations and good luck on this exciting new path in your life." to a woman grieving the death of her father, and "My condolences for your loss." to a colleague getting out of this fuck hole.

That blur you see running through the office is me with a pen in one hand and correction tape in the other, desperately tracking down aforementioned cards before I become a spectacle of public ridicule.

]]>http://www.loadedguntheory.com/blog/director/listpost/ed/DOH.htmlUpdates2004-10-28 17:11:03http://www.loadedguntheory.com/blog/director/comment/ed/DOH.htmlhttp://www.loadedguntheory.com/blog/director/commentRss/ed/DOH.xml3http://www.loadedguntheory.com/blog/director/listpost/ed/My_diary_needs_an_update.htmlUpdates2004-08-04 08:27:39http://www.loadedguntheory.com/blog/director/comment/ed/My_diary_needs_an_update.htmlhttp://www.loadedguntheory.com/blog/director/commentRss/ed/My_diary_needs_an_update.xml1(So I'll be abroad for the next few weeks and didn't want to leave my blog all passe and shit...and since I've done so much ranting lately that my head hurts, I'm just going to have some good ol' geeky fun instead.)

Twelve series, fourteen movies, a few dozen random episodes, nearly three-hundred hours of Japanese animation...and this is what I learned:

1. Gravity isn't a law, just a recommendation.
2. The only proper way to combat evil is with a Japanese sword, even if that evil is armed with laser canons and AK-47s.
3. During the heat of battle, the villain will inevitably start running his mouth, dissin' everyone's mama and babbling some incoherent crap about ruling the world. It boggles me why the hero doesn't take this opportunity to stab the bitch in his fucking cry hole.
4. The human body contains approximately 40 to 50 pints of blood, which is why even minor flesh wounds spurt like geysers.
5. War is 90% philosophy, 10% blowing shit up.
6. Avoid residing in Tokyo. In addition to roving street gangs and astronomical living expenses, it has a propensity to blow up unexpectedly.
7. I have no idea what this "ki" stuff is exactly, but two men going mano a mano will boast about it before proceeding to beat the living shit out of each other. I think it has something to do with penises.
8. The power of one's ultimate attack is directly proportional to the length and complexity of its name. If said name is more than ten syllables long, it will be repeated no less than 25 times during a single battle.
9. In space, everyone can hear you scream...vacuum schmacuum.
10. No matter how old or how lame, grudges pose the greatest threat to one's personal safety. Remember that girl you slept with in college? The one you promised to call but never did? Don't be surprised if one day you come home to find her waiting with an army of super ninjitsu androids programmed to do nothing but whoop your ass.
11. A virtuous heart is a noble thing...but it will only get you killed.
12. Even something as nasty as a 300-pound, demon possessed, renegade samurai with bad hair and a giant sword can be easily felled by applying the right psychology.
13. Life is about tough choices, like having to choose between two totally hot guys with two radically different personalities. It just sucks when said guys occupy the same body...or does it?
14. Speak softly, pilot a big mech.
15. So the girl you like is actually the illegitimate daughter of your arch nemesis, recently discovered to be the long lost father who abandoned you to pursue a life of crime and who hates your guts, because what you don't know is that his brother is actually your shadowy syndicate boss whom big daddy discovered was bonking mom full of you some 18 odd years ago. That makes said girl your cousin and that's still incest, so get your damn hands out of her panties!
16. The pick-up line of a brooding fatalistic hero is usually something like "I'm going to kill you" or "Follow me and you will die". For some reason, the chicks really seem to dig this shit.
17. Girls, if you discover that you date has phallic-shaped tentacles where phallic-shaped tentacles do not belong...RUN!!!
18. The seductive licking of a sword blade is an adversary's way of communicating the true extent of his wickedness...or perhaps his latent homosexual proclivities.
19. How come the fate of the world rests in the hands of teenagers? Does this not bother anybody? Why does no one question it?
20. Never assume someone is dead just because you "killed" him. No one is ever truly dead until they are shot in the head, their body burned to ashes, the ashes scattered across the four corners of the earth, and the earth destroyed by aliens. Even then, there's a 5% chance they'll reemerge to seek revenge.
21. Honor is sexy. Bravery is hot. But evil is just damn irresistible.
22. Did you know that swords are flammable?
23. Transformation is an important aspect of anime. I find this very interesting. I'm waiting for the day when I am just shuffling along when suddenly I (a) get sucked into a vortex and end up in a parallel universe (b) discover that I'm the long lost queen of said parallel universe (c) sprout wings I never knew existed (d) resurrect my half-demon powers when someone pisses me off (e) turn into a jeep.
24. "Aiiieeeee! Gundam!" is Japanese for "Holy fucking shit! I can't fucking believe that giant fucking robot is about to royally fuck my bitch ass up!"
25. There is no such thing as too many bish. J